Next It May Be You

First, I must apologize to my readers for being so late with a new blog.  Sometimes life gets hectic and you run just to keep up!  However, your words of encouragement and comments on previous blogs fuels my intent to continue.  I try to always focus on inspiration or events that we can relate to on a daily basis.  I hope to continue with that and as always your feedback is important to me.

The vast majority of us are the well-intended, hardworking and honest “silent majority”.  We are busy trying to juggle our daily lives, family and close friends.  Add on top of that tough careers and trying to make ends meet on what seems like an ever increasing gap between income and expenses.  But sometimes, we must speak up.  This is one of those times I am asking you to do just that.

This isn't a blog about being gay or lesbian or straight or bi-sexual or transgender.  It is about being human.  It is about a depth of violence being perpetrated on a minority group of people for no other reason than they exist.  The frightening part about this is it has happened before and will continue to happen unless the silent majority speaks up and says, “Hell no!”  Waiting leads to the behavior becoming acceptable.  Look up the worst atrocities such as genocides and crimes against humanity in Wikipedia and you will see a frightening re-occurrence of hate.

In Russia, there is increasing open violence against particularly gay men.  Russia has never been especially tolerant; however, it has become epidemic in hate after Russian President Vladimir Putin signed into law an “anti-homosexual propaganda” law in June 2013.  This pretty much made every support group or attempt at supporting the LGBT community in Russia illegal.  It also sent a clear message to hate groups, “Open Season on Gays”.

The two most despicable vigilante leaders of these activities are Ekaterina Zigunova (the following link gives you a better understanding of this dangerous young woman)

http://www.change.org/p/united-nations-stop-ekaterina-zigunova-and-other-members-of-the-lgbt-hate-group-occupy-pedophilia

 

and Maxim Martsinkevich, an ultra-nationalist who formed a nationwide organization that kidnaps and tortures young gay teens (the following link will give you an idea of the brutality of this man).

http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2014/08/russian-anti-gay-extremist-sentenced-to-five-years-in-penal-colony/

 

Through a great deal of pressure by many in the world, Maxim Martsinkevich was finally arrested and sentenced to 5 years in a Russian penal colony.  Just think he kidnapped, beat and humiliated gay kids.  Only 5 years and no other prosecutions.

The following are videos of activities in Russia.  Only continued pressure will cause Putin to change the awful course he has now set in Russia.  The first is a video of this violence and I must warn you it is hard to watch.  It is courtesy of the Human Rights Watch nonprofit organization.

The second is a documentary about vigilante group that Ekaterina Zigunova leads.  The most frightening part of the video is what would have happened if the documentary camera person and interviewer did not insist on remaining when they had tricked a young man into coming to an apartment for a hookup and instead finds himself surrounded by a group of very hostile anti-gay vigilantes.

http://mm.hrw.org/content/russia-turns-blind-eye-homophobic-violence

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-dDd4dtOFM

Just to point out, it happens in other places as well and pretty much unchecked and nonstop.  After this paragraph are sample videos from Kyrgyzstan and Jamaica.  The top ten in the world “sucks to be gay” places are Iran, Turkey, Afghanistan, Nigeria, Uganda, Jamaica, Russia, Singapore, Northern Cyprus,  and India.  The last link has an article on that titled, 10 Countries That Completely Hate Gay People by Morris M. December 30, 2013.  

Morris is a freelance writer and newly-qualified teacher, still working and hoping to make a difference in his students' lives. You can send your comments to his email, or visit some of the other websites that hire him.

Read More: Email Urban Ghosts

Kyrgyzstan

http://mm.hrw.org/content/kyrgyzstan-police-abuse-gay-men

Jamaica

http://mm.hrw.org/content/unchecked-homophobic-violence-jamaica

Morris M. Article

http://listverse.com/2013/12/30/10-countries-that-completely-hate-gay-people/

Additional information is available in an article by Hannah Jane Parkinson published in the Technology section of The Guardian.  The article was published online February 11, 2014.  

Especially heartbreaking is the story of Kirill Maryin, a young teenage boy in Novosibirsk, Russia’s third largest city.  He actually says it is hopeless for him.  Kirill is using a Twitter account, @ru_lgbt_teen with a picture of an SOS and the bio:  “World, help us!  I plead you!  History must not happen again!”

My heart breaks and if I could I would go get him now and bring him to where a child can be safe.  I am not only sad, I am angry. 

The Guardian Article

http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2014/feb/11/russia-violent-anti-gay-groups-vkontakte-lgbt-sochi

Groups like Human Rights Watch are excellent ways to reach out and say no to the evil that is released on others who are in the minority or in a position of weakness and simply cannot fight back.  We cannot allow activities such as this to go unanswered or unchallenged.  Scream out, “Hell no!”

http://www.hrw.org/

Namaste,

“The Roots of Violence: Wealth without work, Pleasure without conscience, Knowledge without character, Commerce without morality, Science without humanity, Worship without sacrifice, Politics without principles."  - Mahatma Gandhi

An Unfinished Love Story

This blog is different from previous blogs.  It is a bit more of a story than a blog.  I hope I can do the story justice as I am not sure my words can adequately convey the depth and emotion.  This is a true story; however, told from only one side.  So, as is the way of human nature, it is slanted I am sure to that person’s idealized memory. 

This story starts over 37 years ago and involves two teenage boys in a small Middle America town complete will all the biases, bigotry and religious dogma typical of that type of town in the mid to late 1970’s.  Neither were originally from there.  One since he was 10 and the other was more recent near the time this story really starts.  I am pretty sure that both felt very out of place in this environment. 

There was about a year and a half age difference between the two.  Somewhere around 15/16 and the other at 16/17, they met.  It was instant and pretty much that dreamed of feeling of love at first sight, although neither knew anything about love, sexual orientation or sex for that matter.  Lots of confusion and guilt with no one to ask about their feelings and how to deal with them.

They both pretty much stumbled through the initial relationship with love, passion, guilt, recriminations, and lots and lots of tears.  The younger one, at the time, insisted he was not “gay” and that it was just his feelings for this particular boy.  The other, frightened by these words and not exactly sure what gay was, became even more confused.  In fact the only gay person he knew of based on the town’s gossip, which ran freely, was the local florist.  He was a bit effeminate and the older boy just always thought, “I’m not like that so I must not be gay.”

So, what does a small town boy in Middle America do in the late 70’s to convince himself and everyone else that he can’t be gay?  He gets married and actually before he even graduated high school.  Not exactly the best decision for an eighteen year old (by 2 months when the wedding occurred) and no there was no pregnancy involved.  The strange part is that all of the adults, except his mother, thought this was great. 

During the next 12 years they tried to maintain their close relationship, sometimes with disastrous consequences.  They were like two attracting magnets that could just as easily be flipped around to opposing magnets.  However, through it all, they still loved each other very much, at least according to the side of the story I know about.  They had even managed to put together and maintain a close friendship in the last 3 years of that period.  The younger one had also now married and from outward appearances was happy although the other knew he wasn't.

However, that peaceful period was not to last.   The older of the two now young men in their late twenties, couldn't continue to live a lie.  I doubt anyone can possibly stay emotionally and psychologically healthy living a lie about the very core of your being.  He loved his wife, but simply was not in love with her nor was he capable of being in love with her.  If he could have, he would have in a heartbeat rather than hurt her.  He also had children that were the center of his life and broke his heart to see them during a family being torn apart by his mistakes and perceived shortcomings.

The younger was a bit panicked and feared his life being turned upside down because people knew how close the two men were.  He turned his back on his long-time love and friend.  Not with malice and not with bad intent.  He was simply frightened.

Lots of time has passed and the older of the two has always kept up with the younger.  As pretty much anyone could guess, the younger man’s marriage eventually fell apart.  A relationship that is against your very nature in not sustainable.  He wanted to reach out to him, but had finally decided that wouldn't be right.  The younger one needed to reach out to him to reconnect.  He watched, or more like listened, to how his life was turned upside down as his had once been.  He wanted to help him, but knew he couldn't.

Events and memories happened outside their relationship that shaped and changed both of them.  Some events were great and some not so pleasant.  Both have dealt with major life changing events, including financial and health related and both continue to still move forward.  They also now know that there was never anything wrong with them.  The world around them had decided there was something wrong when in fact it was their issue.

They have both had singular other great loves, so in that way they are surely blessed.  Few people ever find the one great love let alone two.  They have watched their respective children grow to adulthood and thrive on their own, easing the guilt of the past.  They also now know they do not need to apologize to anyone for who they are and that yes unintentional mistakes were made as teenagers and young men that hurt others that they loved.  However, I know one half of the story has forgiven himself.  It is his hope the other has as well.  They are only human after all.

“So what now?” you may ask.  In the last year and due to a life threatening event, the younger one reach out to the other.  They have communicated via text and email for a while now primarily catching up on everything that has happened.  It also was the first confirmation by both that they were indeed each other’s very first love.  The older wrote to him that he loved him then, loved him since, loved him now, and will love him tomorrow.

It has been good for at least this side of the story and hopefully for the other as well.  I know they had their first phone conversation in over 25 years recently and spoke for quite some time.  It was if they had never been parted and the ease of the conversation was like your favorite pair of jeans, soft and comfortable.  The conversation ended without resolution as with everything there are complications.  However, after 37 years of together and separation and tentative starts and restarts, there is still hope. 

As long as there is hope, this story has not ended.

Namaste,

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” – Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding 

"All great achievements require time." - Maya Angelou

I thought I had something all worked out in my feeble mind to write about today.  It is an important topic, but not one with as uplifting content as I hope this one will be for you.

This past week I had the privilege of participating in graduation celebrations for one of my dearest friends children, who I have come to love and adore very much.  Her eldest just graduated from a very prestigious and tough university.  Her twins, boy and girl (or should I now say young man and young woman), just graduated from high school.  They are remarkable young adults, which is not surprising as she is a remarkable woman.

It also caused me to be the reminiscing dad with thoughts about my sons and how very proud of them I am.  About thoughts of my niece and her accomplishments.  I thought of each of the beautiful women in my sons' lives and how they not only enhance their lives, but mine as well.  I thought about the future for my grandchildren and how with the proper seeds already planted, perhaps they will grow to also help make a difference in the ever changing and sometimes tumultuous world we call home.

At the graduation party, I observed all the family and friends gathered to celebrate not only these three remarkable young adults' achievements, but also to celebrate the journey we were all privileged to take with them.  And, in some small way, maybe even helped them.  I know I have some of the most wonderful friends who have in may cases been surrogate parents to my sons and are as much a part of the family as direct relations.

All of these thought provoking activities caused me to dwell extensively on Ms. Maya Angelou and her passing this last week.  There have been few in our limited and modern history, either man or woman, who so optimized the grace, elegance and beauty of education.  I can read her work and absorb in my brain while the whole time feeling as if she is speaking it to me.  Just me.  Those are powerful words.  Every chance I have gotten to watch her speak online, on television or in a few movies, I always felt as if in the presence of greatness.  She has always made me want to learn and be better than I started.  Better than I was last year.  Better than I was yesterday.

I want to share with you some of her more thought provoking quotes in regards to education, ignorance, change, and just in general, being human.  I encourage you to read her works.  They are remarkable.

"My mother said I must always be intolerant of ignorance but understanding of illiteracy.  That some people, unable to go to school, were more educated and more intelligent than college professors."

"Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends."

"One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest."

"Any book that helps a child to form a habit of reading, to make reading one of his deep and continuing needs, is good for him."

"What is a fear of living? It's being preeminently afraid of dying. It is not doing what you came here to do, out of timidity and spinelessness. The antidote is to take full responsibility for yourself - for the time you take up and the space you occupy. If you don't know what you're here to do, then just do some good."

"The poetry you read has been written for you, each of you - black, white, Hispanic, man, woman, gay, straight."

Thank you Ms. Angelou for teaching me different is ok and education is vital.  I will miss your presence.

Namaste

http://mayaangelou.com/

The Two L's

Love and loneliness.  I have now spent a considerable amount of time single.  Actually, the longest period of my adult life.  It has been six years without so much as flirtation hello.  It has been ten years since I have been on a first date.  Needless to say, I find all of it a bit overwhelming.

I have found that love and loneliness are often tied together.  I know couples who are together that appear to be lonely.  Are they not in love?  Have they forgotten what it was that triggered their love?  Or, have they just changed too much from who they were when the relationship started?  I believe, from experience, they don't know how or they are too afraid to say this isn't working.

Because I have been hurt fairly badly in the past, I had shut myself off from the concept of being in love ever again.  I assumed it would simply never happen and to the point I never even noticed someone that I would normally have been attracted to in the past.  I have had interest shown towards me and I simply ignored it or shut them down.

There have also been self-esteem issues to deal with primarily around physical appearance.  We do not get to stay young and beautiful forever.  One day you wake up and realize you are fifty, struggling with old sports injuries, dealing with chronic disease, and let's face it, lived harder than was probably healthy.  So, you face that reality and you start to rebuild yourself and with the understanding that you are at a certain age.  Accept who you are at this point in your life and as I stated in previous blogs, "Love yourself."

The next part is go after what you want even if you are scared to death (as I am).  I believe the single most profound quote I have ever heard regarding being in love is from Stephen Chbosky, the author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  The quote is,

"We accept the love we think we deserve.”  

Wow!  What a powerful statement and I believe it is true.  You must truly respect and love yourself to realize that you absolutely deserve to be loved and loved often and well.  Respect should always be expected and romance should never go out of style.  Giggling should be a requirement and kisses on a schedule.  Dancing for the hell of it is a bonus and perhaps even naked.


I guess part of this blog is me talking to myself.  Telling me to get off my butt and get busy.  Love isn't just going to fall into my lap.  I must be open to it and believe I deserve it to notice those who just might be the one.  Who knows, going to the grocery store could become interesting.


Namaste,


“First best is falling in love. Second best is being in love. Least best is falling out of love. But any of it is better than never having been in love.”  - Maya Angelou 

Live Life in the Moment

This edition is dedicated to a very dear friend of mine who recently and suddenly lost a loved one.  When we spoke, the abruptness combined with the simple finality of it was disturbing for them.  The loved one who passed away had lived a more casual and in some ways more distant and less intimate with others type of life.  This in turn would make the memorializing of their passing less in all ways.  This, while understandable, would still be life questioning when you are suddenly confronted in such a personal way.  What is the purpose?  Is this all there is?  You are here and then you go and that is it?

I say no.  I do sincerely believe you must strive to live in the moment and never dwell on the past or worry over the future.  The past is the past and there is no changing it no matter what Dr. Who does.  The future, again ignore Dr. Who, is not something you will ever know.  The future is illusive and tomorrow never comes.  So focus on this moment in your life.  Love your loved ones.  Make life better for others around you even if it is in small and subtle ways.  Try to cause no harm.

According to the teachings of Buddha, he stated, "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."  It makes perfect sense.  If you are not distracted by your perceived failures or by your worrying about the future, then you will have more emotion, spirit and mind available for those around now, at this moment.

Bruce Lee stated, "The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering."  To my dear friend I say, "You have and continue to do so."  You will be remembered greatly by many and if you depart before me, I will celebrate your life.  I expect the same from you if I depart before you.

Namaste and a good helping of love to my friend.

"Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely." - Buddha 

"Where There is Love, There is Life" - Mahatma Gandhi

I have had the joy the past 4 days of watching my youngest son and his beautiful wife with their first child and my second grandchild.  She had a a bit more difficulty and therefore needs more care and help for awhile and all of us who are parents know that a newborn definitely needs attention.

I came under the guise of lending a hand, but all grandparents know why I really came.  I'm a bit housekeeper, chef, dog attendant, and my favorite part is when I get to hold Jax (Jackson Ryan DeSpain).  You never forget or get too old to enjoy the feeling of holding an actual miracle of nature in your arms next to your chest so you can feel his breathing and heart against you.  You never grow tired of the soft cooing noises he makes as he wiggles and stretches against you.  There is no more wonderful sensation.  And don't babies just smell wonderful, well most of the time anyway.

Watching my son with his partner is also remarkable.  The care and love he is giving her in an obvious and all consuming way can't help but make me smile.  He never complains.  He never is short or grumpy although he is very obviously tired right now.  We spoke about their relationship when we had made a trip to the store and I told him how proud I was of him and the way he treated his truly wonderful other half.  He told me it was easy because she was his best friend.  Wow, the absolute most powerful sentence about being in love one can make.  Without being best friends, you will never truly be lovers.

When I watched my son with his son, again it was wonderful.  He was absolutely enthralled, fascinated and madly loves his child.  A most wonderful event to watch and I believe perhaps he will even understand me a bit more.  When I held Jax to give them a break to eat, shower, dress, etc., after a bit he would start to hover and I would ask if he would like his son back.  He somewhat casually would say yes, and I would laugh inside knowing that he most definitely wanted him back.

This last part sounds sad, but it isn't.  It is just the cycle of life.  I have truly now let go of my son.  He now has his own family and that will be his focus, as it should be.  It does not mean he will not always be one of my dearest and best friends.  Nor does it mean my being enthralled, fascinated and madly love him as well as his two brothers will  ever end.

Thank you to my son and daughter-in-law for allowing me to participate.

Namaste

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

Laozi (also spelled Lao-Tzu; ; Lao-tze) was a philosopher and poet of ancient China. He is best known as the reputed author of the Tao Te Ching^[1] and the founder of philosophical Taoism, but he is also revered as a deity in religious Taoism and traditional Chinese religions. Although a legendary figure, he is usually dated to around the 6th century BC and reckoned a contemporary of Confucius, but some historians contend that he actually lived during the Warring States period of the 5th or 4th century BC.^[2] A central figure in Chinese culture, Laozi is claimed by both the emperors of the Tang dynasty and modern commonfolk of the Li family as a founder of their lineage. Throughout history, Laozi's work has been embraced by various anti-authoritarian movements.

Reading Isn't Just Fundamental......

It is life altering.  To teach a child to read and to give them access to books allows them the freedom to be anyone or any place at any point in time.  Next to love, reading is truly the greatest gift you can give to a child.  It opens their immediate limited world up to all the possibilities of the studies of our world and all the imaginings of others.

Often when I was very young and life was a bit harder than it should have been for a child, books were my escape.  I remember my flashlight under the covers and with the latest Hardy Boys mystery.  Books also helped to mold my curiosity and my desire to see and learn about new countries, new cultures, races and religions.  I have never lost that desire to learn more about others and to escape into a good book.  I read around 100 books per year of all types including novels, biographies, historical, spiritual, etc.

The need to learn more about others also helped shape my beliefs and remove fear of those unknown.  In other words, bigotry and hatred comes from a lack of knowledge and understanding.  Teaching one to read and giving them the freedom to read what they want will do more for the advancement of a civilized world than just about any other single act.  I have been fortunate enough to travel to many wonderful places and see firsthand those cultures, countries and peoples that I read about.  My reading and thus travels led to my realization that the world is not infinite and is actually quite small.

So, where am I going with this?  I know of a wonderful nonprofit out to do something about improving the education in their country by this very vehicle, reading.  But first, before I tell you about Bright Star Mobile Library, I must tell you about the gentleman who has worked tirelessly to form and expand the organization.  A few years ago, Mr. Saeed Malik had returned to his home country of Pakistan after a long career with the United Nations Food Program.  During his career, Mr. Malik lived abroad in the United States, Italy and elsewhere.

I had the pleasure of knowing Mr. Malik through his children, who are like family to me.  Since meeting him, I having always held Mr. Malik in the highest regard.  In fact, having grown up in a less than desirable childhood with a father who simply shouldn't have been a father, I can say this with absolute conviction, if I could have chosen a dad, it would have been Mr. Malik.

Ok, now we have what and the who, let's talk about the how and get something done.  The how is Bright Star Mobile Library ( http://brightstarlibrary.com/default.html ).  There is a very good article on NPR.org about Bright Star and Mr. Malik's desire to make a positive impact on the lives of children in Pakistan.

 http://www.npr.org/2013/02/28/173161452/at-a-pakistani-mobile-library-kids-can-check-out-books-and-hope

I encourage you to read it as his words are far better than mine in explaining why his passion for providing resources to children to allow them to have hope and imagine a world different than what they see around them.  Hope and imagination are the absolute lifeblood for the advancement of society and possibly one day a world where children are not hungry or afraid and books not bullets are the norm.

Now we are down to the, "What can we do?"  Bright Star Mobile Library is funded solely by donations.  Also, to make it easier in the United Stated to donate, you can go to http://give2asia.org/bsml which is a landing page via Give 2 Asia specifically for Bright Star.  There is a donate link you can use.  At the time that I publish this, I will have completed my donation.  I ask that you do the same and that you continue to pass this blog to friends and encourage them to do the same.  Let's prove change can come from one and grow to many and as a "Thank You" to Mr. Malik for his selfless work and to let him know people do care.

Namaste

"Where there is charity and wisdom, there is neither fear nor ignorance." - Francis of Assisi

Yes, it’s a Pity Party!

I know for all of us at times life and its endless ability to try and take away a piece of our spirit can seem overwhelming.  At times I feel almost panicked, maybe a bit sorry for myself, and truth be told, a bit fearful, because of a series of events in the last decade.  Here they at a high level.  They have made me a bit tired and probably a little road worn, but do not take it as a “poor me” list.   It is only to make a point, so please stay with me.

• Life altering illness with multiple ups and downs, multitude of medications and the worst was my perfectly laid out plan for my life went up in smoke

• Episodes of drug toxicity or failure for my illness that has taken a toll physically

• Economic crash in 2008/2009 wiped out most of my life savings and a professional lawsuit associated with a company collapse I was involved with at that time, managed to wipe out the rest of my savings with legal bills and lasted a spirit draining 2.5 years

• Becoming older and trying to compete in a job market that is really not that keen on professionals over the age of 50, especially in business

• Working to find the balance of life/health and work is difficult and frightening, because what happens if I can’t juggle fast enough and it collapses around me

• And, to demonstrate the extraordinarily wry sense of humor that is life, a tax audit in which they decided my numbers were ok, but one segment of expenses needed to be moved to another schedule and btw, that triggered more self-employment tax, changes in AMT and let’s not forget penalties and interest

• Last but certainly not least, the failure of 2 relationships during this period with the aftereffect being one of great uncertainty about trying again, both ended due to their infidelity,  – translation is that I haven’t been on a date in around 6 years

All of this when I see some of the events taking place around the world seems so embarrassingly small.  Yes, we all need someone to listen to us with compassion and understanding.  This does not mean you must provide a solution or even comment.  Just a wonderfully thoughtful and compassionate ear.

There are many types of tragedies in humanity with some being caused by nature, some by the failure of human science or invention and some due purely to the failure of the humanity of individuals.  We can do little about tragedies caused by nature and since humans are most definitely fallible, we will continue to have failures of science and invention.

So let’s focus on the failure of those who seem to lack humanity.  How do we deal with the fact that “mean people suck?” We must do so with compassion, which according to Buddha teachings is a very powerful emotion.  Thich Nhat Hanh, one of the best known and most respected Zen masters in the world today, is a poet, and peace and human rights activist.  He states, “Compassionate listening is to help the other side suffer less. If we realize that other people are the same people as we are, we are no longer angry at them.”  I translate this to mean let go of our anger at those who through their deliberate actions cause you pain, anger and fear.  Try as best you can to treat them with compassion and love.

Thich Nhat Hanh also points out the depth at which compassion can transform mere humans into extraordinary beings.  “With compassion you can die for other people, like the mother who can die for her child. You have the courage to say it because you are not afraid of losing anything, because you know that understanding and love is the foundation of happiness. But if you have fear of losing your status, your position, you will not have the courage to do it.”

So let’s apply some wisdom from others to the type of items around my list of “events” that have occurred in the last decade:

•  Illness:  “Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

• Wealth:  “The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.” – Bob Marley

• Life Balance:  “We humans have lost the wisdom of genuinely resting and relaxing. We worry too much. We don't allow our bodies to heal, and we don't allow our minds and hearts to heal.” Thich Nhat Hanh

• Aging & Employment:  “The biggest change in being older and working in our modern western society is that my bullshit factor has dropped considerably.  That doesn’t always come across well.” – Tom DeSpain

• Love & Betrayal:  “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I know this was a rambler, but I hope it gives you food for thought.  We can’t always control what goes on around us but should try and focus on the now.  The best help to others is compassionate listening.

Namaste

NOTE:  to learn more about Thich Nhat Hanh, please go to plumvillage.org

A Bit like Licking Honey from a Knife

I have had “being in love” on my mind a great deal lately.  Not sure why and certainly not from any desire to jump back into that life altering quagmire, not that I’m jaded you see.

The title is a take on an analogy from Buddha regarding both wealth and sex.  Both goals the Buddha considered dangerous to say the least.  The actual translated quote is, “They are just like a child who cannot resist honey on the blade of a knife. Even though the amount is not even enough for a single meal serving, he will lick it and risk cutting his tongue in the process.” I liked the analogy because I think of all that I have done in the past in the name of love, or rather being in love.

Although the mores on love and sex in that time were not equal to today’s modern western society, the actions and results have not changed that much.  In fact, I believe the actions and results are probably swifter and more pronounced than in Buddha’s time.  With the sensationalized, hyped, nipped, tucked, adjusted, and faked-up physicality that surrounds us today in movies, television, internet, fashion, dating sites, etc., etc., we have developed into a society who is forever seeking perfection.  Always looking, even when we shouldn't be, for the next “better” version of our love.

Now I am not saying this applies to everyone.  I have had the privilege of meeting and knowing couples who are sincerely and deeply in love and have been for many years.  However, there are always some very obvious traits in these relationships.  For one, they are no longer simply blinded by their love for the other person.  That is not to say they want be in your face and space if you dare say anything bad about their partner, because they will.

They have a great deal of trust and air of calm around them.  It is as if they are the yin-yang of one another.  At times, if you watch, they will appear to have this private look of awe in their eyes when they look at their love.  I always enjoy it when I get a glimpse of that moment.  They haven’t been caught up in the must find the ever better version.  They have found that puzzle piece that fits.  This is not to say they were incomplete, because they were complete or they would never have been able to become that deeply in love.  This puzzle piece fits in such a way to allow them to continue to grow and expand as an individual.  This plain of growth is an overlap of the two of them.  It is unique and special when found and nurtured.

Sadly, this is the exception.  We as a society seem to have become so obsessed with finding love that it is as if we have confused the two.  We seek that instant rush of first meeting and being at the very least physically inebriated by the other person.  This feeling is simply not sustainable.  If it were, you would never be aware of the intensity of the sensation and it would simply be ordinary. 

And yes, I enjoy when this sensation happens, although at this point in my life, I do not wish to act on it.  I was in the grocery store yesterday and this very attractive man and I kept literally bumping into each other as the store was very crowded.  The last time it happened we both blushed, apologize and OMG, we giggled.  How embarrassing, but damn it was fun and I believe I strutted a little as I left.  I am only human.

At this point, you must be wondering what is the purpose of this blog.  Well, none really.  Love is way too complicated for someone to claim to have the answers.  It is also more complex today than ever before to find, fall and stay in love with someone.  It takes work, but literally should be a labor of love.  I have experienced in my life unbelievable love.  The kind that made your breath catch every time they came into the room or brushed against me.  I will always be in love with that person; however, I never wish to be with them again.

So, even though I am not with my life love anymore, would I do it again?  You better believe it.  In fact, if it does happen, which I am not actively looking for that to occur, I would consider myself very fortunate.  With that said, love yourself, stop seeking perfection, don’t be in love with the idea of being in love, and perhaps, if Karma is with you, love could appear.  If it does, treat it as the gift that it is.

Namaste

“This is love:  to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment.  First to let go of life.  Finally, to take a step without feet.” – Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi (“Rumi”, Tajikistan & Turkey, 09/30/1207-12/17/1273)

Sometimes I Fail

Recently I had an unpleasant encounter with someone I care a great deal about.  I also believe we were on our way to becoming good friends and I hope that can still happen.

What was my failure?  I allowed myself to react to an incident in a negative way when I also at the time was stressed by multiple other outside influences and was very tired.  In other words, I overreacted.

It was less the words and more the delivery.  Being a big guy with a rather intense look is perceived as intimidating by some.  It doesn't matter if that is what I meant to do, it was still the result.  My sister is the one that reminded me when I was telling her about the incident that my size and overall persona can be very intimidating without doing anything.

So, I can’t do anything about being me, but I need to temper my words and emotions when I am upset.  Buddha taught that a single well placed word is more powerful than a thousand for either good or ill.  He also taught in multiple writings about the power of generosity and kind words.  It doesn't matter that I did not intend to hurt this friend.  What matters is that I did.  Not very “Be Like Buddha.”

For this I can only seek his forgiveness and strive to be more aware of my impact on others.

Namaste

“Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.” - Buddha 

Fathers & Dads

In one of my previous blogs I mentioned that I believed there was a vast difference between being a father and a dad.  I also stated that I would be writing later on the topic.  Well, here it is and I hope it resonates with both parents and children, young and old.

I believe we can tackle the topic of becoming a father in about the same amount of time it takes for that to happen.  I believe one paragraph should do it contrary to the modern romance novels and movies.  A father is nothing more than a sperm donor, whether accidental or planned, period.  Just because you are one half of the biological wonder that is reproduction, you do not automatically deserve nor should you receive love and respect from your offspring.  It is something you must earn and will continue to earn throughout your life.  They did not ask to be born and do not owe you.  You owe them.

Now let’s talk about being a dad, probably the single most wonderful job in the whole world.  It is also at times the most frustrating, scariest, angst ridden, blood pressure rising, worrisome role of your life.  Will you make mistakes?  Yes, and a lot of them.  You will find a child ready to forgive a real dad, and not just a father, your human mistakes.  They generally love you unconditionally. 

BTW, you do not need to be the biological donor to be the most wonderful dad in the world.  What you need to be is loving, protective, attentive, disciplined, engaged, and have the biggest reserve of compassion for a youngster who needs you. 

And, no matter what, you do not quit this job, period.  Lovers and breakups come and go, but that does not apply to your children.  Even if unfortunately you do split up or have always been a single parent, remember they are first and you must always make sure they know that.  Sometimes, our human frailties creep into the mix and we go through ups and downs of our adult life just trying to figure out who are we.  Quitting them is something they may not ever get over or forgive.

I also have always said I learned everything about being a dad from my father.  Whatever he did, I pretty much do the opposite.  Some people were not meant to be a parent and he was unfortunately one of those.  I will not go into all the ugliness of growing up, but I can tell you from absolute experience that haunts me every day of my life, there are four concrete characteristics a dad MUST have:

·         Unconditional Love – they will make mistakes and some of them may be serious and they must know not matter what you love them.

·         Unconditional Protection – you must always be the first person they think of when they are frightened.  If you are the one causing the pain and fear, generally of the two most trusted of people in their life, in their eyes who do they go to? 

·         Undivided Time & Attention – your children do not what superman.  They want their dad.  They want you more than the money to buy them anything they want.  You should know that and remember during their earliest receipt of gifts, they usually played with the wrapping paper, bows and boxes!  When they’re little, build a tent city in the family room out of sheets and furniture.  Get inside with them and play games.  Have a food fight sometime – it’s amazing!  When they are teens (yes I realize all who have been through this wanted to give them away oh say from about 13 to 21), listen to their music when you go somewhere in the car with them.  Make sure you attend every one of their events and activities that you can.  Trust me when I say they are always looking to see if you show up.  Play sports with them or go do something they want to do.

·         Your Guidance & Boundaries – you are not their “buddy”.  You are their parent.  I see many divorced parents where dads especially feel guilty and constantly try to be friends with their child.  Not cool.  You are their dad.  What they want and crave is you, your attention, your guidance (even when they whine about it) and knowing, even reluctantly, that you are working to keep them safe.

Well, that brings me to the last part of this particular blog.  The question is did I manage to make it as a dad?  I believe I did.  Yes I made lots of mistakes and most of what I often wish I could do over involves being a dad.  For example, what led me to believe I needed to work 70 hour weeks in corporate America to climb that proverbial career ladder and provide every material possession they wanted?  I believe they would have enjoyed more time with me and fewer things.

Also, I was an incredibly young dad when my first son was born.  I was 20 when he was born.  Twenty year olds are not known for their patience.  Sometimes, just life itself got in the way.  But no matter what, they were always foremost in my thoughts. 

However, I know that only my three sons can answer whether or not I succeeded as “Dad”.  They are after all the ones who gave me the job.

Oh and BTW, I forgave my father years ago.  You cannot live your life in anger and fear.  No I did not in the end love him and that truly makes me sad.  However, you must be at peace with your past and love yourself if you are truly to be able to love your children. 

Namaste

“My children taught me to laugh, especially at myself.  They also taught me what it is to truly be loved and to give that love back.” – Tom DeSpain

My Flower Garden

The 2014 Winter Olympics being held in Sochi, Russia has helped again to bring to the forefront serious issues with official Russian position on the treatment of gay and lesbian people.  The laws and even more serious, the attitude of law makers and police towards gays and lesbians is promoting hatred to an unbelievable and appalling level.  The following is a link to a compilation video posted by one of these hate groups.  You may have already seen it.  I must warn you I not only cried but became physically ill.

There is one part in which you see a rather small man being severely abused and his hands are trembling so badly with fear I become angry all over again just thinking about it.  I try really hard not to be so full of rage and hate and to want to do to them what they are doing to others.  But no matter how good it would feel momentarily, it would inevitably make me no better than them.

http://www.upworthy.com/here-is-the-shocking-footage-of-gay-men-being-beaten-on-camera-in-russia

With the Super Bowl hype and the annual parade of commercials, I heard some surprise rumblings had occurred about some of the advertisements.  The one with Cheerios, which was a follow-up to the original with the little girl piling Cheerios on her sleeping father’s chest so he would have a healthy heart, apparently stirred up issues involving mixed race marriages.  My first reaction was, “What are they talking about?”

I am very happy to say, I never noticed they were a mixed race couple!  Go figure.  I just thought, as commercials go, it was very cute.  But, even after watching and realizing it was in fact a mixed race couple, my next thought was, “So what?”

Also, there was apparently a big uproar about the Coke commercial, maybe even two of them, that involved different people in different languages.  I really don’t get that one as Coke was simply playing up their original theme of “I’d like to buy the world a Coke….”  Makes perfect sense to me.  Again what is up with the issue of other nationalities, races and languages?

If all of this bombarding us last week was not enough, the right wing French decided to announce the evils of homosexuality and that homosexuals should never be allowed to be parents.  Combining this with the other events, causes me to pause and wonder if humanity is sliding backwards.

When I look at the richness and diversity in my life, I am so very thankful.  I have family and friends who pretty much run the entire spectrum of race, nationality, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc.  I have always found diversity to be of great interest to me and not something to fear.  To learn about others and in some way experience their culture or world helps you grow, to understand how very small our world is and how you are not the “norm”.  In fact, none of us are the norm.

Many years ago when I live in Tulsa (yes, as in Oklahoma), one of my favorite places to visit in the summertime was a rose garden attached to a wonderful park near a section of Tulsa called Utica Square.  The rose garden was from one of the old oil mansions donated to the city.  In this rose garden, there were giant roses, small roses, heavily perfumed roses, thorny roses, roses of all colors, mixed roses, etc.  I used to think how very much like the world this rose garden is with its diversity and yet so very beautiful because it was full of so many different types of roses.  Each was unique and begged to be explored.

If Nature, or God, or Allah, or Jehovah, or evolution, or whatever you wish to call the force that causes us and all life to exist can create roses of a vast and beautiful array, why is it so complicated and fearful to believe that force can also create a beautiful and vast array of us? 

Rage against the injustice people.  Do not be part of the silent majority.  Your uniqueness may be next.

Namaste

“Intolerance is itself a form of violence and an obstacle to the growth of a true democratic spirit.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Heroes

This past week I received a Facebook from my sister about a doctor who walked 6 miles through a snow storm to perform emergency brain surgery ( www.huggingtonpost.com ).  He did this to save the patient’s life.  Remarkable.  Selfless.  Self-sacrificing.  A hero.

That got me to thinking about what is the definition of a hero.  I looked it up on my favorite information source online, Wikipedia.  Here is the definition exactly as it appears:

A hero (masculine) or heroine (feminine) (Ancient Greek: ἥρως, hḗrōs) refers to characters who, in the face of danger and adversity or from a position of weakness, display courage and the will for self sacrifice—that is, heroism—for some greater good of all humanity. This definition originally referred to martial courage or excellence but extended to more general moral excellence.

But in thinking about it, I believe the definition is a bit more complicated.  Including the previous, I believe there are three types of heroes.  There is what I would refer to as the “situational hero” which is where someone with the right attributes was thrust into a history changing event by being who they are and being in that place at that time.  They also tend to be defined as heroes reflectively as time passes.  This includes in modern history individuals such as Irena Sendlerowa, Mohandas “Mahatma” Gandhi, Mikhail Gorbachev, John F. Kennedy, Miss Jane Pittman, Martin Luther King, Jr., Anne Frank, Nelson Mandela, Larry Kramer, Iqbal Masih and the list is extensive with many examples of courageous and self-sacrificing people.  I encourage you to research any of these names that are unfamiliar to you.

The next group is what I would refer to as the “incidental hero”.  These hero making events are no less dramatic and in some cases, much more dramatic as they are defined by some larger than life single event that defined them as a hero at that moment in time.  Sadly, in many cases it also costs them their lives.  Aitazaz Hassan Bangash, the 14 year old boy in Pakistan who died stopping a suicide bomber is a remarkable example.  Pedro Zamora and Magic Johnson publicly gave a face to HIV/AIDS, which was extraordinarily brave.  All of the firemen and police officers who died in the tragedy of 9/11 and all of those who daily risk their lives to save and protect others.  The heart-wrenching acts of heroism of soldiers to save others and every time I hear of another young person dyeing in wars and conflicts, my heart breaks.

The last group and the most unsung and quiet are what I refer to as the “everyday hero”.  This group of heroes I believe has the most lasting impact on others.  The doctor I spoke of in the opening of this blog post is an example of an everyday hero.  The absolute best example of this type of heroism was defined for me years earlier when I watch the movie based on the book by Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club.  In the story there is an exchange between the main character June and her mother Suyuan.  She was explaining to her daughter why she was indeed special over her very successful, beautiful and demanding sister.  Suyuan stated (paraphrasing) that while June’s older sister always expected and took the choicest cut of meat at dinner, June always took the least cut of meat.  

I look for the everyday hero.  When you spot them, they are not flamboyant or looking for praise.  They are generally humble or direct in their mission.  Accolades are not what they seek and in fact are generally embarrassed by them.  I would like to think I would have the courage to be an incidental hero, but who knows unless it happened.  Not sure I’m in a place or have the skills to be a situational hero.  So I strive daily to try to be an everyday hero.  It isn't easy and I am sure I fail more often than succeed.  I am so humbled by the sacrifice of others in all three types of heroes.  Find your heroes.  They may be as close as right next to you.

Namaste

"True heroism is remarkably sober, very undramatic.  It is not the urge to surpass all others at whatever the cost, but the urge to serve others at whatever the cost." - Arthur Ashe

What are the odds?

Recently a thought came to me as to just how unlikely it is that I was ever born?  I began researching online and came up with multiple rather complex calculations.  The short version is somewhere between 400 trillion to one and 700 trillion to one.

When you also consider the odds of everything else that has made me who I am, it makes my head hurt!  In a nutshell, it is absolutely, unbelievably, remarkably amazing that I am alive!  Go figure!

There is a saying regarding this in Buddhism, but I could not trace its origins, and is referred to as “this precious incarnation.” 

Imagine there was one life preserver thrown somewhere in some ocean, with exactly one turtle in all of these oceans, swimming underwater somewhere.  The probability that you came about is the same as that turtle sticking its head out of the water --- into the middle of that life preserver.  On one try.

Albeit I’m generally a logic driven individual, I believe I like the latter the best.  I can grasp the enormity.

So, this goes beyond the knowledge that I should very much cherish and love every moment, good or bad, that I am alive.  It also means I should cherish every moment of every one of my loved ones as well.  What are the odds that I would have the privilege of being the father and dad (there is a difference – a later blog) of three remarkable young men? 

I remember each of their births as if it were yesterday and will forever love and be grateful to their Mother and Mom.  I have had the immense pleasure of watching them grow into beautiful adults who I have at times witnessed them caring more about others than themselves.  One is already a father and dad himself and another is soon to be.  I know all three will be remarkable dads.  I love that it is a touch of my immortality.  Selfish perhaps, but meant only in love and the continuation of that love.

Not intending to be morbid, but just stating my wishes for all those I love, my family and friends, when my time has ended, do not mourn.  Celebrate.  Celebrate the miracle of life.  Celebrate the miracle of your life.  Work to make the miracle of life a celebration for others who can’t see it because they are hungry, frightened, abused, or living in places that stifle celebration.  Work to spread the celebration of life.

Namaste

The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him.  -  Pablo Casais (Spanish Musician, 12/29/1876 – 10/22/1973)

Don't Think About It

I have gone around in circles in my poor overworked brain trying to find how to best explain meditation as it exists for me.  Once again, I finally stripped away all of the pontificating and realized in its simplest form meditation is teaching yourself not to think.

I know my comment is a bit of an over simplification, but its a start for discussion purposes.  I once believed meditation was about concentrating basically on nirvana and it would happen!  Silly human!

Meditation is about clearing your thoughts.  Emptying your fears.  Removing your stress and anxiety.  Eliminating your anger.  All of these are self inflicted and caused by our very hectic work-a-day lives and our interpretation of events and people we have interacted with up to this point in our lives.  Only after you can do this can you open yourself up to the love and appreciation you deserve and thus be able to give that love to others.

So, how does one meditate?  Well, again I was confused by all of the "rules" when I first started.  Sit in Lotus position.  Keep your eyes only half closed.  No noise.  Focus on your breathing.  Etc., etc., etc.  I sorted out for myself that; a) Lotus position doesn't work for me - I'm old and have bad knees!  b)  closing my eyes completely when I can works well for me because I have the attention span of a puppy!  Also, sometimes I need my eyes wide open because I meditate will driving.  Closed eyes, even partially, do not work while you are driving and is highly frowned upon by police officers everywhere.  c)  And finally, I do not need to focus on my breathing.  Once I get into my meditation and free my mind, my breathing becomes relaxed all by itself.

To clear my mind I need a visual.  I pretty much see everything in my head as a picture, even words.  I also love nature and seeing it in my mind.  So, to begin my mediation, I see all the current stresses, fears and items causing anger in my life as a bunched up cluster of clouds.  They are sorta gray and have each item printed on the side of a cloud (I know, strange, but it works for me!).  I watch and focus on relaxing and clearing my mind.  The clouds begin to each float away separating from the cluster and rise higher and higher.  Eventually they are so small they appear to be just white fluffy dots surrounded by a vivid blue sky.

Now my mind is clear and I have "un-thought" my stress, fears and anger.  How do I know this works?  Because I am happy.

Each of us must find our own natural way of clearing our mind and allowing peace and self-acceptance to enter our being.  I hope you start this journey and I wish for you only tranquility and love.

Namaste

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves - Dalai Lama

The Beginning

I have never participated in a blog.  However, I have recently discovered answers to questions I have asked myself and sought answers to for years.  Sometimes answers are so simple they are there all along and you simply do not see them.  They should be more obvious.  More grand.  More revealing.  More everything.

Well, not always.

For many years I have tried to reconcile religion, spirituality and humanity.  To start with, I do not subscribe to organized religion.  I find spirituality means many things to many different people.  Humanity, kingpin to it all, is ever evolving and changing.

With these three complex parts, I finally realized the answer for me.  The simple answer is  I want to Be Like Buddha.  I don't want to be a Buddhist or subscribe to Buddhism or any other religion.  Even Buddha pointed out that you shouldn't just believe what written doctrine dictates or authorities within a religion tell you.  You must take in information and make a decision as to what suits you and your needs regarding religion, spirituality and your humanity.

What does Be Like Buddha mean to me?  It means to live my life and do no harm to other beings.  It means to not live in fear or in the past or the future.  It means to live now and in peace and harmony with yourself first and then those around you.

I am going to attempt to bring something new to this blog each week.  Hopefully simple and certainly not "preachy".  I have no right to tell anyone how they should or should not live theirs lives.  I can only say how I live mine and share my thoughts with you.  Please share your thoughts with me as well.

Namaste

To love yourself is the beginning of understanding love - Tom D.