An Unfinished Love Story

This blog is different from previous blogs.  It is a bit more of a story than a blog.  I hope I can do the story justice as I am not sure my words can adequately convey the depth and emotion.  This is a true story; however, told from only one side.  So, as is the way of human nature, it is slanted I am sure to that person’s idealized memory. 

This story starts over 37 years ago and involves two teenage boys in a small Middle America town complete will all the biases, bigotry and religious dogma typical of that type of town in the mid to late 1970’s.  Neither were originally from there.  One since he was 10 and the other was more recent near the time this story really starts.  I am pretty sure that both felt very out of place in this environment. 

There was about a year and a half age difference between the two.  Somewhere around 15/16 and the other at 16/17, they met.  It was instant and pretty much that dreamed of feeling of love at first sight, although neither knew anything about love, sexual orientation or sex for that matter.  Lots of confusion and guilt with no one to ask about their feelings and how to deal with them.

They both pretty much stumbled through the initial relationship with love, passion, guilt, recriminations, and lots and lots of tears.  The younger one, at the time, insisted he was not “gay” and that it was just his feelings for this particular boy.  The other, frightened by these words and not exactly sure what gay was, became even more confused.  In fact the only gay person he knew of based on the town’s gossip, which ran freely, was the local florist.  He was a bit effeminate and the older boy just always thought, “I’m not like that so I must not be gay.”

So, what does a small town boy in Middle America do in the late 70’s to convince himself and everyone else that he can’t be gay?  He gets married and actually before he even graduated high school.  Not exactly the best decision for an eighteen year old (by 2 months when the wedding occurred) and no there was no pregnancy involved.  The strange part is that all of the adults, except his mother, thought this was great. 

During the next 12 years they tried to maintain their close relationship, sometimes with disastrous consequences.  They were like two attracting magnets that could just as easily be flipped around to opposing magnets.  However, through it all, they still loved each other very much, at least according to the side of the story I know about.  They had even managed to put together and maintain a close friendship in the last 3 years of that period.  The younger one had also now married and from outward appearances was happy although the other knew he wasn't.

However, that peaceful period was not to last.   The older of the two now young men in their late twenties, couldn't continue to live a lie.  I doubt anyone can possibly stay emotionally and psychologically healthy living a lie about the very core of your being.  He loved his wife, but simply was not in love with her nor was he capable of being in love with her.  If he could have, he would have in a heartbeat rather than hurt her.  He also had children that were the center of his life and broke his heart to see them during a family being torn apart by his mistakes and perceived shortcomings.

The younger was a bit panicked and feared his life being turned upside down because people knew how close the two men were.  He turned his back on his long-time love and friend.  Not with malice and not with bad intent.  He was simply frightened.

Lots of time has passed and the older of the two has always kept up with the younger.  As pretty much anyone could guess, the younger man’s marriage eventually fell apart.  A relationship that is against your very nature in not sustainable.  He wanted to reach out to him, but had finally decided that wouldn't be right.  The younger one needed to reach out to him to reconnect.  He watched, or more like listened, to how his life was turned upside down as his had once been.  He wanted to help him, but knew he couldn't.

Events and memories happened outside their relationship that shaped and changed both of them.  Some events were great and some not so pleasant.  Both have dealt with major life changing events, including financial and health related and both continue to still move forward.  They also now know that there was never anything wrong with them.  The world around them had decided there was something wrong when in fact it was their issue.

They have both had singular other great loves, so in that way they are surely blessed.  Few people ever find the one great love let alone two.  They have watched their respective children grow to adulthood and thrive on their own, easing the guilt of the past.  They also now know they do not need to apologize to anyone for who they are and that yes unintentional mistakes were made as teenagers and young men that hurt others that they loved.  However, I know one half of the story has forgiven himself.  It is his hope the other has as well.  They are only human after all.

“So what now?” you may ask.  In the last year and due to a life threatening event, the younger one reach out to the other.  They have communicated via text and email for a while now primarily catching up on everything that has happened.  It also was the first confirmation by both that they were indeed each other’s very first love.  The older wrote to him that he loved him then, loved him since, loved him now, and will love him tomorrow.

It has been good for at least this side of the story and hopefully for the other as well.  I know they had their first phone conversation in over 25 years recently and spoke for quite some time.  It was if they had never been parted and the ease of the conversation was like your favorite pair of jeans, soft and comfortable.  The conversation ended without resolution as with everything there are complications.  However, after 37 years of together and separation and tentative starts and restarts, there is still hope. 

As long as there is hope, this story has not ended.

Namaste,

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” – Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding 

"All great achievements require time." - Maya Angelou

I thought I had something all worked out in my feeble mind to write about today.  It is an important topic, but not one with as uplifting content as I hope this one will be for you.

This past week I had the privilege of participating in graduation celebrations for one of my dearest friends children, who I have come to love and adore very much.  Her eldest just graduated from a very prestigious and tough university.  Her twins, boy and girl (or should I now say young man and young woman), just graduated from high school.  They are remarkable young adults, which is not surprising as she is a remarkable woman.

It also caused me to be the reminiscing dad with thoughts about my sons and how very proud of them I am.  About thoughts of my niece and her accomplishments.  I thought of each of the beautiful women in my sons' lives and how they not only enhance their lives, but mine as well.  I thought about the future for my grandchildren and how with the proper seeds already planted, perhaps they will grow to also help make a difference in the ever changing and sometimes tumultuous world we call home.

At the graduation party, I observed all the family and friends gathered to celebrate not only these three remarkable young adults' achievements, but also to celebrate the journey we were all privileged to take with them.  And, in some small way, maybe even helped them.  I know I have some of the most wonderful friends who have in may cases been surrogate parents to my sons and are as much a part of the family as direct relations.

All of these thought provoking activities caused me to dwell extensively on Ms. Maya Angelou and her passing this last week.  There have been few in our limited and modern history, either man or woman, who so optimized the grace, elegance and beauty of education.  I can read her work and absorb in my brain while the whole time feeling as if she is speaking it to me.  Just me.  Those are powerful words.  Every chance I have gotten to watch her speak online, on television or in a few movies, I always felt as if in the presence of greatness.  She has always made me want to learn and be better than I started.  Better than I was last year.  Better than I was yesterday.

I want to share with you some of her more thought provoking quotes in regards to education, ignorance, change, and just in general, being human.  I encourage you to read her works.  They are remarkable.

"My mother said I must always be intolerant of ignorance but understanding of illiteracy.  That some people, unable to go to school, were more educated and more intelligent than college professors."

"Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends."

"One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest."

"Any book that helps a child to form a habit of reading, to make reading one of his deep and continuing needs, is good for him."

"What is a fear of living? It's being preeminently afraid of dying. It is not doing what you came here to do, out of timidity and spinelessness. The antidote is to take full responsibility for yourself - for the time you take up and the space you occupy. If you don't know what you're here to do, then just do some good."

"The poetry you read has been written for you, each of you - black, white, Hispanic, man, woman, gay, straight."

Thank you Ms. Angelou for teaching me different is ok and education is vital.  I will miss your presence.

Namaste

http://mayaangelou.com/