Sometimes I Fail

Recently I had an unpleasant encounter with someone I care a great deal about.  I also believe we were on our way to becoming good friends and I hope that can still happen.

What was my failure?  I allowed myself to react to an incident in a negative way when I also at the time was stressed by multiple other outside influences and was very tired.  In other words, I overreacted.

It was less the words and more the delivery.  Being a big guy with a rather intense look is perceived as intimidating by some.  It doesn't matter if that is what I meant to do, it was still the result.  My sister is the one that reminded me when I was telling her about the incident that my size and overall persona can be very intimidating without doing anything.

So, I can’t do anything about being me, but I need to temper my words and emotions when I am upset.  Buddha taught that a single well placed word is more powerful than a thousand for either good or ill.  He also taught in multiple writings about the power of generosity and kind words.  It doesn't matter that I did not intend to hurt this friend.  What matters is that I did.  Not very “Be Like Buddha.”

For this I can only seek his forgiveness and strive to be more aware of my impact on others.

Namaste

“Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.” - Buddha 

Fathers & Dads

In one of my previous blogs I mentioned that I believed there was a vast difference between being a father and a dad.  I also stated that I would be writing later on the topic.  Well, here it is and I hope it resonates with both parents and children, young and old.

I believe we can tackle the topic of becoming a father in about the same amount of time it takes for that to happen.  I believe one paragraph should do it contrary to the modern romance novels and movies.  A father is nothing more than a sperm donor, whether accidental or planned, period.  Just because you are one half of the biological wonder that is reproduction, you do not automatically deserve nor should you receive love and respect from your offspring.  It is something you must earn and will continue to earn throughout your life.  They did not ask to be born and do not owe you.  You owe them.

Now let’s talk about being a dad, probably the single most wonderful job in the whole world.  It is also at times the most frustrating, scariest, angst ridden, blood pressure rising, worrisome role of your life.  Will you make mistakes?  Yes, and a lot of them.  You will find a child ready to forgive a real dad, and not just a father, your human mistakes.  They generally love you unconditionally. 

BTW, you do not need to be the biological donor to be the most wonderful dad in the world.  What you need to be is loving, protective, attentive, disciplined, engaged, and have the biggest reserve of compassion for a youngster who needs you. 

And, no matter what, you do not quit this job, period.  Lovers and breakups come and go, but that does not apply to your children.  Even if unfortunately you do split up or have always been a single parent, remember they are first and you must always make sure they know that.  Sometimes, our human frailties creep into the mix and we go through ups and downs of our adult life just trying to figure out who are we.  Quitting them is something they may not ever get over or forgive.

I also have always said I learned everything about being a dad from my father.  Whatever he did, I pretty much do the opposite.  Some people were not meant to be a parent and he was unfortunately one of those.  I will not go into all the ugliness of growing up, but I can tell you from absolute experience that haunts me every day of my life, there are four concrete characteristics a dad MUST have:

·         Unconditional Love – they will make mistakes and some of them may be serious and they must know not matter what you love them.

·         Unconditional Protection – you must always be the first person they think of when they are frightened.  If you are the one causing the pain and fear, generally of the two most trusted of people in their life, in their eyes who do they go to? 

·         Undivided Time & Attention – your children do not what superman.  They want their dad.  They want you more than the money to buy them anything they want.  You should know that and remember during their earliest receipt of gifts, they usually played with the wrapping paper, bows and boxes!  When they’re little, build a tent city in the family room out of sheets and furniture.  Get inside with them and play games.  Have a food fight sometime – it’s amazing!  When they are teens (yes I realize all who have been through this wanted to give them away oh say from about 13 to 21), listen to their music when you go somewhere in the car with them.  Make sure you attend every one of their events and activities that you can.  Trust me when I say they are always looking to see if you show up.  Play sports with them or go do something they want to do.

·         Your Guidance & Boundaries – you are not their “buddy”.  You are their parent.  I see many divorced parents where dads especially feel guilty and constantly try to be friends with their child.  Not cool.  You are their dad.  What they want and crave is you, your attention, your guidance (even when they whine about it) and knowing, even reluctantly, that you are working to keep them safe.

Well, that brings me to the last part of this particular blog.  The question is did I manage to make it as a dad?  I believe I did.  Yes I made lots of mistakes and most of what I often wish I could do over involves being a dad.  For example, what led me to believe I needed to work 70 hour weeks in corporate America to climb that proverbial career ladder and provide every material possession they wanted?  I believe they would have enjoyed more time with me and fewer things.

Also, I was an incredibly young dad when my first son was born.  I was 20 when he was born.  Twenty year olds are not known for their patience.  Sometimes, just life itself got in the way.  But no matter what, they were always foremost in my thoughts. 

However, I know that only my three sons can answer whether or not I succeeded as “Dad”.  They are after all the ones who gave me the job.

Oh and BTW, I forgave my father years ago.  You cannot live your life in anger and fear.  No I did not in the end love him and that truly makes me sad.  However, you must be at peace with your past and love yourself if you are truly to be able to love your children. 

Namaste

“My children taught me to laugh, especially at myself.  They also taught me what it is to truly be loved and to give that love back.” – Tom DeSpain

My Flower Garden

The 2014 Winter Olympics being held in Sochi, Russia has helped again to bring to the forefront serious issues with official Russian position on the treatment of gay and lesbian people.  The laws and even more serious, the attitude of law makers and police towards gays and lesbians is promoting hatred to an unbelievable and appalling level.  The following is a link to a compilation video posted by one of these hate groups.  You may have already seen it.  I must warn you I not only cried but became physically ill.

There is one part in which you see a rather small man being severely abused and his hands are trembling so badly with fear I become angry all over again just thinking about it.  I try really hard not to be so full of rage and hate and to want to do to them what they are doing to others.  But no matter how good it would feel momentarily, it would inevitably make me no better than them.

http://www.upworthy.com/here-is-the-shocking-footage-of-gay-men-being-beaten-on-camera-in-russia

With the Super Bowl hype and the annual parade of commercials, I heard some surprise rumblings had occurred about some of the advertisements.  The one with Cheerios, which was a follow-up to the original with the little girl piling Cheerios on her sleeping father’s chest so he would have a healthy heart, apparently stirred up issues involving mixed race marriages.  My first reaction was, “What are they talking about?”

I am very happy to say, I never noticed they were a mixed race couple!  Go figure.  I just thought, as commercials go, it was very cute.  But, even after watching and realizing it was in fact a mixed race couple, my next thought was, “So what?”

Also, there was apparently a big uproar about the Coke commercial, maybe even two of them, that involved different people in different languages.  I really don’t get that one as Coke was simply playing up their original theme of “I’d like to buy the world a Coke….”  Makes perfect sense to me.  Again what is up with the issue of other nationalities, races and languages?

If all of this bombarding us last week was not enough, the right wing French decided to announce the evils of homosexuality and that homosexuals should never be allowed to be parents.  Combining this with the other events, causes me to pause and wonder if humanity is sliding backwards.

When I look at the richness and diversity in my life, I am so very thankful.  I have family and friends who pretty much run the entire spectrum of race, nationality, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc.  I have always found diversity to be of great interest to me and not something to fear.  To learn about others and in some way experience their culture or world helps you grow, to understand how very small our world is and how you are not the “norm”.  In fact, none of us are the norm.

Many years ago when I live in Tulsa (yes, as in Oklahoma), one of my favorite places to visit in the summertime was a rose garden attached to a wonderful park near a section of Tulsa called Utica Square.  The rose garden was from one of the old oil mansions donated to the city.  In this rose garden, there were giant roses, small roses, heavily perfumed roses, thorny roses, roses of all colors, mixed roses, etc.  I used to think how very much like the world this rose garden is with its diversity and yet so very beautiful because it was full of so many different types of roses.  Each was unique and begged to be explored.

If Nature, or God, or Allah, or Jehovah, or evolution, or whatever you wish to call the force that causes us and all life to exist can create roses of a vast and beautiful array, why is it so complicated and fearful to believe that force can also create a beautiful and vast array of us? 

Rage against the injustice people.  Do not be part of the silent majority.  Your uniqueness may be next.

Namaste

“Intolerance is itself a form of violence and an obstacle to the growth of a true democratic spirit.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Heroes

This past week I received a Facebook from my sister about a doctor who walked 6 miles through a snow storm to perform emergency brain surgery ( www.huggingtonpost.com ).  He did this to save the patient’s life.  Remarkable.  Selfless.  Self-sacrificing.  A hero.

That got me to thinking about what is the definition of a hero.  I looked it up on my favorite information source online, Wikipedia.  Here is the definition exactly as it appears:

A hero (masculine) or heroine (feminine) (Ancient Greek: ἥρως, hḗrōs) refers to characters who, in the face of danger and adversity or from a position of weakness, display courage and the will for self sacrifice—that is, heroism—for some greater good of all humanity. This definition originally referred to martial courage or excellence but extended to more general moral excellence.

But in thinking about it, I believe the definition is a bit more complicated.  Including the previous, I believe there are three types of heroes.  There is what I would refer to as the “situational hero” which is where someone with the right attributes was thrust into a history changing event by being who they are and being in that place at that time.  They also tend to be defined as heroes reflectively as time passes.  This includes in modern history individuals such as Irena Sendlerowa, Mohandas “Mahatma” Gandhi, Mikhail Gorbachev, John F. Kennedy, Miss Jane Pittman, Martin Luther King, Jr., Anne Frank, Nelson Mandela, Larry Kramer, Iqbal Masih and the list is extensive with many examples of courageous and self-sacrificing people.  I encourage you to research any of these names that are unfamiliar to you.

The next group is what I would refer to as the “incidental hero”.  These hero making events are no less dramatic and in some cases, much more dramatic as they are defined by some larger than life single event that defined them as a hero at that moment in time.  Sadly, in many cases it also costs them their lives.  Aitazaz Hassan Bangash, the 14 year old boy in Pakistan who died stopping a suicide bomber is a remarkable example.  Pedro Zamora and Magic Johnson publicly gave a face to HIV/AIDS, which was extraordinarily brave.  All of the firemen and police officers who died in the tragedy of 9/11 and all of those who daily risk their lives to save and protect others.  The heart-wrenching acts of heroism of soldiers to save others and every time I hear of another young person dyeing in wars and conflicts, my heart breaks.

The last group and the most unsung and quiet are what I refer to as the “everyday hero”.  This group of heroes I believe has the most lasting impact on others.  The doctor I spoke of in the opening of this blog post is an example of an everyday hero.  The absolute best example of this type of heroism was defined for me years earlier when I watch the movie based on the book by Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club.  In the story there is an exchange between the main character June and her mother Suyuan.  She was explaining to her daughter why she was indeed special over her very successful, beautiful and demanding sister.  Suyuan stated (paraphrasing) that while June’s older sister always expected and took the choicest cut of meat at dinner, June always took the least cut of meat.  

I look for the everyday hero.  When you spot them, they are not flamboyant or looking for praise.  They are generally humble or direct in their mission.  Accolades are not what they seek and in fact are generally embarrassed by them.  I would like to think I would have the courage to be an incidental hero, but who knows unless it happened.  Not sure I’m in a place or have the skills to be a situational hero.  So I strive daily to try to be an everyday hero.  It isn't easy and I am sure I fail more often than succeed.  I am so humbled by the sacrifice of others in all three types of heroes.  Find your heroes.  They may be as close as right next to you.

Namaste

"True heroism is remarkably sober, very undramatic.  It is not the urge to surpass all others at whatever the cost, but the urge to serve others at whatever the cost." - Arthur Ashe