Live Life in the Moment

This edition is dedicated to a very dear friend of mine who recently and suddenly lost a loved one.  When we spoke, the abruptness combined with the simple finality of it was disturbing for them.  The loved one who passed away had lived a more casual and in some ways more distant and less intimate with others type of life.  This in turn would make the memorializing of their passing less in all ways.  This, while understandable, would still be life questioning when you are suddenly confronted in such a personal way.  What is the purpose?  Is this all there is?  You are here and then you go and that is it?

I say no.  I do sincerely believe you must strive to live in the moment and never dwell on the past or worry over the future.  The past is the past and there is no changing it no matter what Dr. Who does.  The future, again ignore Dr. Who, is not something you will ever know.  The future is illusive and tomorrow never comes.  So focus on this moment in your life.  Love your loved ones.  Make life better for others around you even if it is in small and subtle ways.  Try to cause no harm.

According to the teachings of Buddha, he stated, "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."  It makes perfect sense.  If you are not distracted by your perceived failures or by your worrying about the future, then you will have more emotion, spirit and mind available for those around now, at this moment.

Bruce Lee stated, "The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering."  To my dear friend I say, "You have and continue to do so."  You will be remembered greatly by many and if you depart before me, I will celebrate your life.  I expect the same from you if I depart before you.

Namaste and a good helping of love to my friend.

"Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely." - Buddha 

"Where There is Love, There is Life" - Mahatma Gandhi

I have had the joy the past 4 days of watching my youngest son and his beautiful wife with their first child and my second grandchild.  She had a a bit more difficulty and therefore needs more care and help for awhile and all of us who are parents know that a newborn definitely needs attention.

I came under the guise of lending a hand, but all grandparents know why I really came.  I'm a bit housekeeper, chef, dog attendant, and my favorite part is when I get to hold Jax (Jackson Ryan DeSpain).  You never forget or get too old to enjoy the feeling of holding an actual miracle of nature in your arms next to your chest so you can feel his breathing and heart against you.  You never grow tired of the soft cooing noises he makes as he wiggles and stretches against you.  There is no more wonderful sensation.  And don't babies just smell wonderful, well most of the time anyway.

Watching my son with his partner is also remarkable.  The care and love he is giving her in an obvious and all consuming way can't help but make me smile.  He never complains.  He never is short or grumpy although he is very obviously tired right now.  We spoke about their relationship when we had made a trip to the store and I told him how proud I was of him and the way he treated his truly wonderful other half.  He told me it was easy because she was his best friend.  Wow, the absolute most powerful sentence about being in love one can make.  Without being best friends, you will never truly be lovers.

When I watched my son with his son, again it was wonderful.  He was absolutely enthralled, fascinated and madly loves his child.  A most wonderful event to watch and I believe perhaps he will even understand me a bit more.  When I held Jax to give them a break to eat, shower, dress, etc., after a bit he would start to hover and I would ask if he would like his son back.  He somewhat casually would say yes, and I would laugh inside knowing that he most definitely wanted him back.

This last part sounds sad, but it isn't.  It is just the cycle of life.  I have truly now let go of my son.  He now has his own family and that will be his focus, as it should be.  It does not mean he will not always be one of my dearest and best friends.  Nor does it mean my being enthralled, fascinated and madly love him as well as his two brothers will  ever end.

Thank you to my son and daughter-in-law for allowing me to participate.

Namaste

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

Laozi (also spelled Lao-Tzu; ; Lao-tze) was a philosopher and poet of ancient China. He is best known as the reputed author of the Tao Te Ching^[1] and the founder of philosophical Taoism, but he is also revered as a deity in religious Taoism and traditional Chinese religions. Although a legendary figure, he is usually dated to around the 6th century BC and reckoned a contemporary of Confucius, but some historians contend that he actually lived during the Warring States period of the 5th or 4th century BC.^[2] A central figure in Chinese culture, Laozi is claimed by both the emperors of the Tang dynasty and modern commonfolk of the Li family as a founder of their lineage. Throughout history, Laozi's work has been embraced by various anti-authoritarian movements.

Reading Isn't Just Fundamental......

It is life altering.  To teach a child to read and to give them access to books allows them the freedom to be anyone or any place at any point in time.  Next to love, reading is truly the greatest gift you can give to a child.  It opens their immediate limited world up to all the possibilities of the studies of our world and all the imaginings of others.

Often when I was very young and life was a bit harder than it should have been for a child, books were my escape.  I remember my flashlight under the covers and with the latest Hardy Boys mystery.  Books also helped to mold my curiosity and my desire to see and learn about new countries, new cultures, races and religions.  I have never lost that desire to learn more about others and to escape into a good book.  I read around 100 books per year of all types including novels, biographies, historical, spiritual, etc.

The need to learn more about others also helped shape my beliefs and remove fear of those unknown.  In other words, bigotry and hatred comes from a lack of knowledge and understanding.  Teaching one to read and giving them the freedom to read what they want will do more for the advancement of a civilized world than just about any other single act.  I have been fortunate enough to travel to many wonderful places and see firsthand those cultures, countries and peoples that I read about.  My reading and thus travels led to my realization that the world is not infinite and is actually quite small.

So, where am I going with this?  I know of a wonderful nonprofit out to do something about improving the education in their country by this very vehicle, reading.  But first, before I tell you about Bright Star Mobile Library, I must tell you about the gentleman who has worked tirelessly to form and expand the organization.  A few years ago, Mr. Saeed Malik had returned to his home country of Pakistan after a long career with the United Nations Food Program.  During his career, Mr. Malik lived abroad in the United States, Italy and elsewhere.

I had the pleasure of knowing Mr. Malik through his children, who are like family to me.  Since meeting him, I having always held Mr. Malik in the highest regard.  In fact, having grown up in a less than desirable childhood with a father who simply shouldn't have been a father, I can say this with absolute conviction, if I could have chosen a dad, it would have been Mr. Malik.

Ok, now we have what and the who, let's talk about the how and get something done.  The how is Bright Star Mobile Library ( http://brightstarlibrary.com/default.html ).  There is a very good article on NPR.org about Bright Star and Mr. Malik's desire to make a positive impact on the lives of children in Pakistan.

 http://www.npr.org/2013/02/28/173161452/at-a-pakistani-mobile-library-kids-can-check-out-books-and-hope

I encourage you to read it as his words are far better than mine in explaining why his passion for providing resources to children to allow them to have hope and imagine a world different than what they see around them.  Hope and imagination are the absolute lifeblood for the advancement of society and possibly one day a world where children are not hungry or afraid and books not bullets are the norm.

Now we are down to the, "What can we do?"  Bright Star Mobile Library is funded solely by donations.  Also, to make it easier in the United Stated to donate, you can go to http://give2asia.org/bsml which is a landing page via Give 2 Asia specifically for Bright Star.  There is a donate link you can use.  At the time that I publish this, I will have completed my donation.  I ask that you do the same and that you continue to pass this blog to friends and encourage them to do the same.  Let's prove change can come from one and grow to many and as a "Thank You" to Mr. Malik for his selfless work and to let him know people do care.

Namaste

"Where there is charity and wisdom, there is neither fear nor ignorance." - Francis of Assisi

Yes, it’s a Pity Party!

I know for all of us at times life and its endless ability to try and take away a piece of our spirit can seem overwhelming.  At times I feel almost panicked, maybe a bit sorry for myself, and truth be told, a bit fearful, because of a series of events in the last decade.  Here they at a high level.  They have made me a bit tired and probably a little road worn, but do not take it as a “poor me” list.   It is only to make a point, so please stay with me.

• Life altering illness with multiple ups and downs, multitude of medications and the worst was my perfectly laid out plan for my life went up in smoke

• Episodes of drug toxicity or failure for my illness that has taken a toll physically

• Economic crash in 2008/2009 wiped out most of my life savings and a professional lawsuit associated with a company collapse I was involved with at that time, managed to wipe out the rest of my savings with legal bills and lasted a spirit draining 2.5 years

• Becoming older and trying to compete in a job market that is really not that keen on professionals over the age of 50, especially in business

• Working to find the balance of life/health and work is difficult and frightening, because what happens if I can’t juggle fast enough and it collapses around me

• And, to demonstrate the extraordinarily wry sense of humor that is life, a tax audit in which they decided my numbers were ok, but one segment of expenses needed to be moved to another schedule and btw, that triggered more self-employment tax, changes in AMT and let’s not forget penalties and interest

• Last but certainly not least, the failure of 2 relationships during this period with the aftereffect being one of great uncertainty about trying again, both ended due to their infidelity,  – translation is that I haven’t been on a date in around 6 years

All of this when I see some of the events taking place around the world seems so embarrassingly small.  Yes, we all need someone to listen to us with compassion and understanding.  This does not mean you must provide a solution or even comment.  Just a wonderfully thoughtful and compassionate ear.

There are many types of tragedies in humanity with some being caused by nature, some by the failure of human science or invention and some due purely to the failure of the humanity of individuals.  We can do little about tragedies caused by nature and since humans are most definitely fallible, we will continue to have failures of science and invention.

So let’s focus on the failure of those who seem to lack humanity.  How do we deal with the fact that “mean people suck?” We must do so with compassion, which according to Buddha teachings is a very powerful emotion.  Thich Nhat Hanh, one of the best known and most respected Zen masters in the world today, is a poet, and peace and human rights activist.  He states, “Compassionate listening is to help the other side suffer less. If we realize that other people are the same people as we are, we are no longer angry at them.”  I translate this to mean let go of our anger at those who through their deliberate actions cause you pain, anger and fear.  Try as best you can to treat them with compassion and love.

Thich Nhat Hanh also points out the depth at which compassion can transform mere humans into extraordinary beings.  “With compassion you can die for other people, like the mother who can die for her child. You have the courage to say it because you are not afraid of losing anything, because you know that understanding and love is the foundation of happiness. But if you have fear of losing your status, your position, you will not have the courage to do it.”

So let’s apply some wisdom from others to the type of items around my list of “events” that have occurred in the last decade:

•  Illness:  “Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

• Wealth:  “The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.” – Bob Marley

• Life Balance:  “We humans have lost the wisdom of genuinely resting and relaxing. We worry too much. We don't allow our bodies to heal, and we don't allow our minds and hearts to heal.” Thich Nhat Hanh

• Aging & Employment:  “The biggest change in being older and working in our modern western society is that my bullshit factor has dropped considerably.  That doesn’t always come across well.” – Tom DeSpain

• Love & Betrayal:  “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I know this was a rambler, but I hope it gives you food for thought.  We can’t always control what goes on around us but should try and focus on the now.  The best help to others is compassionate listening.

Namaste

NOTE:  to learn more about Thich Nhat Hanh, please go to plumvillage.org

A Bit like Licking Honey from a Knife

I have had “being in love” on my mind a great deal lately.  Not sure why and certainly not from any desire to jump back into that life altering quagmire, not that I’m jaded you see.

The title is a take on an analogy from Buddha regarding both wealth and sex.  Both goals the Buddha considered dangerous to say the least.  The actual translated quote is, “They are just like a child who cannot resist honey on the blade of a knife. Even though the amount is not even enough for a single meal serving, he will lick it and risk cutting his tongue in the process.” I liked the analogy because I think of all that I have done in the past in the name of love, or rather being in love.

Although the mores on love and sex in that time were not equal to today’s modern western society, the actions and results have not changed that much.  In fact, I believe the actions and results are probably swifter and more pronounced than in Buddha’s time.  With the sensationalized, hyped, nipped, tucked, adjusted, and faked-up physicality that surrounds us today in movies, television, internet, fashion, dating sites, etc., etc., we have developed into a society who is forever seeking perfection.  Always looking, even when we shouldn't be, for the next “better” version of our love.

Now I am not saying this applies to everyone.  I have had the privilege of meeting and knowing couples who are sincerely and deeply in love and have been for many years.  However, there are always some very obvious traits in these relationships.  For one, they are no longer simply blinded by their love for the other person.  That is not to say they want be in your face and space if you dare say anything bad about their partner, because they will.

They have a great deal of trust and air of calm around them.  It is as if they are the yin-yang of one another.  At times, if you watch, they will appear to have this private look of awe in their eyes when they look at their love.  I always enjoy it when I get a glimpse of that moment.  They haven’t been caught up in the must find the ever better version.  They have found that puzzle piece that fits.  This is not to say they were incomplete, because they were complete or they would never have been able to become that deeply in love.  This puzzle piece fits in such a way to allow them to continue to grow and expand as an individual.  This plain of growth is an overlap of the two of them.  It is unique and special when found and nurtured.

Sadly, this is the exception.  We as a society seem to have become so obsessed with finding love that it is as if we have confused the two.  We seek that instant rush of first meeting and being at the very least physically inebriated by the other person.  This feeling is simply not sustainable.  If it were, you would never be aware of the intensity of the sensation and it would simply be ordinary. 

And yes, I enjoy when this sensation happens, although at this point in my life, I do not wish to act on it.  I was in the grocery store yesterday and this very attractive man and I kept literally bumping into each other as the store was very crowded.  The last time it happened we both blushed, apologize and OMG, we giggled.  How embarrassing, but damn it was fun and I believe I strutted a little as I left.  I am only human.

At this point, you must be wondering what is the purpose of this blog.  Well, none really.  Love is way too complicated for someone to claim to have the answers.  It is also more complex today than ever before to find, fall and stay in love with someone.  It takes work, but literally should be a labor of love.  I have experienced in my life unbelievable love.  The kind that made your breath catch every time they came into the room or brushed against me.  I will always be in love with that person; however, I never wish to be with them again.

So, even though I am not with my life love anymore, would I do it again?  You better believe it.  In fact, if it does happen, which I am not actively looking for that to occur, I would consider myself very fortunate.  With that said, love yourself, stop seeking perfection, don’t be in love with the idea of being in love, and perhaps, if Karma is with you, love could appear.  If it does, treat it as the gift that it is.

Namaste

“This is love:  to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment.  First to let go of life.  Finally, to take a step without feet.” – Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi (“Rumi”, Tajikistan & Turkey, 09/30/1207-12/17/1273)

Sometimes I Fail

Recently I had an unpleasant encounter with someone I care a great deal about.  I also believe we were on our way to becoming good friends and I hope that can still happen.

What was my failure?  I allowed myself to react to an incident in a negative way when I also at the time was stressed by multiple other outside influences and was very tired.  In other words, I overreacted.

It was less the words and more the delivery.  Being a big guy with a rather intense look is perceived as intimidating by some.  It doesn't matter if that is what I meant to do, it was still the result.  My sister is the one that reminded me when I was telling her about the incident that my size and overall persona can be very intimidating without doing anything.

So, I can’t do anything about being me, but I need to temper my words and emotions when I am upset.  Buddha taught that a single well placed word is more powerful than a thousand for either good or ill.  He also taught in multiple writings about the power of generosity and kind words.  It doesn't matter that I did not intend to hurt this friend.  What matters is that I did.  Not very “Be Like Buddha.”

For this I can only seek his forgiveness and strive to be more aware of my impact on others.

Namaste

“Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.” - Buddha 

Fathers & Dads

In one of my previous blogs I mentioned that I believed there was a vast difference between being a father and a dad.  I also stated that I would be writing later on the topic.  Well, here it is and I hope it resonates with both parents and children, young and old.

I believe we can tackle the topic of becoming a father in about the same amount of time it takes for that to happen.  I believe one paragraph should do it contrary to the modern romance novels and movies.  A father is nothing more than a sperm donor, whether accidental or planned, period.  Just because you are one half of the biological wonder that is reproduction, you do not automatically deserve nor should you receive love and respect from your offspring.  It is something you must earn and will continue to earn throughout your life.  They did not ask to be born and do not owe you.  You owe them.

Now let’s talk about being a dad, probably the single most wonderful job in the whole world.  It is also at times the most frustrating, scariest, angst ridden, blood pressure rising, worrisome role of your life.  Will you make mistakes?  Yes, and a lot of them.  You will find a child ready to forgive a real dad, and not just a father, your human mistakes.  They generally love you unconditionally. 

BTW, you do not need to be the biological donor to be the most wonderful dad in the world.  What you need to be is loving, protective, attentive, disciplined, engaged, and have the biggest reserve of compassion for a youngster who needs you. 

And, no matter what, you do not quit this job, period.  Lovers and breakups come and go, but that does not apply to your children.  Even if unfortunately you do split up or have always been a single parent, remember they are first and you must always make sure they know that.  Sometimes, our human frailties creep into the mix and we go through ups and downs of our adult life just trying to figure out who are we.  Quitting them is something they may not ever get over or forgive.

I also have always said I learned everything about being a dad from my father.  Whatever he did, I pretty much do the opposite.  Some people were not meant to be a parent and he was unfortunately one of those.  I will not go into all the ugliness of growing up, but I can tell you from absolute experience that haunts me every day of my life, there are four concrete characteristics a dad MUST have:

·         Unconditional Love – they will make mistakes and some of them may be serious and they must know not matter what you love them.

·         Unconditional Protection – you must always be the first person they think of when they are frightened.  If you are the one causing the pain and fear, generally of the two most trusted of people in their life, in their eyes who do they go to? 

·         Undivided Time & Attention – your children do not what superman.  They want their dad.  They want you more than the money to buy them anything they want.  You should know that and remember during their earliest receipt of gifts, they usually played with the wrapping paper, bows and boxes!  When they’re little, build a tent city in the family room out of sheets and furniture.  Get inside with them and play games.  Have a food fight sometime – it’s amazing!  When they are teens (yes I realize all who have been through this wanted to give them away oh say from about 13 to 21), listen to their music when you go somewhere in the car with them.  Make sure you attend every one of their events and activities that you can.  Trust me when I say they are always looking to see if you show up.  Play sports with them or go do something they want to do.

·         Your Guidance & Boundaries – you are not their “buddy”.  You are their parent.  I see many divorced parents where dads especially feel guilty and constantly try to be friends with their child.  Not cool.  You are their dad.  What they want and crave is you, your attention, your guidance (even when they whine about it) and knowing, even reluctantly, that you are working to keep them safe.

Well, that brings me to the last part of this particular blog.  The question is did I manage to make it as a dad?  I believe I did.  Yes I made lots of mistakes and most of what I often wish I could do over involves being a dad.  For example, what led me to believe I needed to work 70 hour weeks in corporate America to climb that proverbial career ladder and provide every material possession they wanted?  I believe they would have enjoyed more time with me and fewer things.

Also, I was an incredibly young dad when my first son was born.  I was 20 when he was born.  Twenty year olds are not known for their patience.  Sometimes, just life itself got in the way.  But no matter what, they were always foremost in my thoughts. 

However, I know that only my three sons can answer whether or not I succeeded as “Dad”.  They are after all the ones who gave me the job.

Oh and BTW, I forgave my father years ago.  You cannot live your life in anger and fear.  No I did not in the end love him and that truly makes me sad.  However, you must be at peace with your past and love yourself if you are truly to be able to love your children. 

Namaste

“My children taught me to laugh, especially at myself.  They also taught me what it is to truly be loved and to give that love back.” – Tom DeSpain