In one of my previous blogs I mentioned that I believed
there was a vast difference between being a father and a dad. I also stated that I would be writing later
on the topic. Well, here it is and I
hope it resonates with both parents and children, young and old.
I believe we can tackle the topic of becoming a father in
about the same amount of time it takes for that to happen. I believe one paragraph should do it contrary
to the modern romance novels and movies.
A father is nothing more than a sperm donor, whether accidental or
planned, period. Just because you are
one half of the biological wonder that is reproduction, you do not automatically
deserve nor should you receive love and respect from your offspring. It is something you must earn and will
continue to earn throughout your life. They
did not ask to be born and do not owe you.
You owe them.
Now let’s talk about being a dad, probably the single most
wonderful job in the whole world. It is
also at times the most frustrating, scariest, angst ridden, blood pressure
rising, worrisome role of your life.
Will you make mistakes? Yes, and a
lot of them. You will find a child ready
to forgive a real dad, and not just a father, your human mistakes. They generally love you unconditionally.
BTW, you do not need to be the biological donor to be the
most wonderful dad in the world. What
you need to be is loving, protective, attentive, disciplined, engaged, and have
the biggest reserve of compassion for a youngster who needs you.
And, no matter what, you do not quit this job, period. Lovers and breakups come and go, but that
does not apply to your children. Even if
unfortunately you do split up or have always been a single parent, remember
they are first and you must always make sure they know that. Sometimes, our human frailties creep into the
mix and we go through ups and downs of our adult life just trying to figure out
who are we. Quitting them is something
they may not ever get over or forgive.
I also have always said I learned everything about being a
dad from my father. Whatever he did, I pretty
much do the opposite. Some people were
not meant to be a parent and he was unfortunately one of those. I will not go into all the ugliness of
growing up, but I can tell you from absolute experience that haunts me every
day of my life, there are four concrete characteristics a dad MUST have:
·
Unconditional Love – they will make mistakes and
some of them may be serious and they must know not matter what you love them.
·
Unconditional Protection – you must always be
the first person they think of when they are frightened. If you are the one causing the pain and fear,
generally of the two most trusted of people in their life, in their eyes who do
they go to?
·
Undivided Time & Attention – your children
do not what superman. They want their
dad. They want you more than the money
to buy them anything they want. You
should know that and remember during their earliest receipt of gifts, they
usually played with the wrapping paper, bows and boxes! When they’re little, build a tent city in the
family room out of sheets and furniture.
Get inside with them and play games.
Have a food fight sometime – it’s amazing! When they are teens (yes I realize all who
have been through this wanted to give them away oh say from about 13 to 21),
listen to their music when you go somewhere in the car with them. Make sure you attend every one of their
events and activities that you can.
Trust me when I say they are always looking to see if you show up. Play sports with them or go do something they
want to do.
·
Your Guidance & Boundaries – you are not their
“buddy”. You are their parent. I see many divorced parents where dads
especially feel guilty and constantly try to be friends with their child. Not cool.
You are their dad. What they want
and crave is you, your attention, your guidance (even when they whine about it)
and knowing, even reluctantly, that you are working to keep them safe.
Well, that brings me to the last part of this particular
blog. The question is did I manage to
make it as a dad? I believe I did. Yes I made lots of mistakes and most of what
I often wish I could do over involves being a dad. For example, what led me to believe I needed
to work 70 hour weeks in corporate America to climb that proverbial career
ladder and provide every material possession they wanted? I believe they would have enjoyed more time
with me and fewer things.
Also, I was an incredibly young dad when my first son was
born. I was 20 when he was born. Twenty year olds are not known for their
patience. Sometimes, just life itself
got in the way. But no matter what, they
were always foremost in my thoughts.
However, I know that only my three sons can answer whether
or not I succeeded as “Dad”. They are
after all the ones who gave me the job.
Oh and BTW, I forgave my father years ago. You cannot live your life in anger and
fear. No I did not in the end love him
and that truly makes me sad. However, you
must be at peace with your past and love yourself if you are truly to be able
to love your children.
Namaste
“My children taught me
to laugh, especially at myself. They
also taught me what it is to truly be loved and to give that love back.” – Tom DeSpain
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