An Unfinished Love Story

This blog is different from previous blogs.  It is a bit more of a story than a blog.  I hope I can do the story justice as I am not sure my words can adequately convey the depth and emotion.  This is a true story; however, told from only one side.  So, as is the way of human nature, it is slanted I am sure to that person’s idealized memory. 

This story starts over 37 years ago and involves two teenage boys in a small Middle America town complete will all the biases, bigotry and religious dogma typical of that type of town in the mid to late 1970’s.  Neither were originally from there.  One since he was 10 and the other was more recent near the time this story really starts.  I am pretty sure that both felt very out of place in this environment. 

There was about a year and a half age difference between the two.  Somewhere around 15/16 and the other at 16/17, they met.  It was instant and pretty much that dreamed of feeling of love at first sight, although neither knew anything about love, sexual orientation or sex for that matter.  Lots of confusion and guilt with no one to ask about their feelings and how to deal with them.

They both pretty much stumbled through the initial relationship with love, passion, guilt, recriminations, and lots and lots of tears.  The younger one, at the time, insisted he was not “gay” and that it was just his feelings for this particular boy.  The other, frightened by these words and not exactly sure what gay was, became even more confused.  In fact the only gay person he knew of based on the town’s gossip, which ran freely, was the local florist.  He was a bit effeminate and the older boy just always thought, “I’m not like that so I must not be gay.”

So, what does a small town boy in Middle America do in the late 70’s to convince himself and everyone else that he can’t be gay?  He gets married and actually before he even graduated high school.  Not exactly the best decision for an eighteen year old (by 2 months when the wedding occurred) and no there was no pregnancy involved.  The strange part is that all of the adults, except his mother, thought this was great. 

During the next 12 years they tried to maintain their close relationship, sometimes with disastrous consequences.  They were like two attracting magnets that could just as easily be flipped around to opposing magnets.  However, through it all, they still loved each other very much, at least according to the side of the story I know about.  They had even managed to put together and maintain a close friendship in the last 3 years of that period.  The younger one had also now married and from outward appearances was happy although the other knew he wasn't.

However, that peaceful period was not to last.   The older of the two now young men in their late twenties, couldn't continue to live a lie.  I doubt anyone can possibly stay emotionally and psychologically healthy living a lie about the very core of your being.  He loved his wife, but simply was not in love with her nor was he capable of being in love with her.  If he could have, he would have in a heartbeat rather than hurt her.  He also had children that were the center of his life and broke his heart to see them during a family being torn apart by his mistakes and perceived shortcomings.

The younger was a bit panicked and feared his life being turned upside down because people knew how close the two men were.  He turned his back on his long-time love and friend.  Not with malice and not with bad intent.  He was simply frightened.

Lots of time has passed and the older of the two has always kept up with the younger.  As pretty much anyone could guess, the younger man’s marriage eventually fell apart.  A relationship that is against your very nature in not sustainable.  He wanted to reach out to him, but had finally decided that wouldn't be right.  The younger one needed to reach out to him to reconnect.  He watched, or more like listened, to how his life was turned upside down as his had once been.  He wanted to help him, but knew he couldn't.

Events and memories happened outside their relationship that shaped and changed both of them.  Some events were great and some not so pleasant.  Both have dealt with major life changing events, including financial and health related and both continue to still move forward.  They also now know that there was never anything wrong with them.  The world around them had decided there was something wrong when in fact it was their issue.

They have both had singular other great loves, so in that way they are surely blessed.  Few people ever find the one great love let alone two.  They have watched their respective children grow to adulthood and thrive on their own, easing the guilt of the past.  They also now know they do not need to apologize to anyone for who they are and that yes unintentional mistakes were made as teenagers and young men that hurt others that they loved.  However, I know one half of the story has forgiven himself.  It is his hope the other has as well.  They are only human after all.

“So what now?” you may ask.  In the last year and due to a life threatening event, the younger one reach out to the other.  They have communicated via text and email for a while now primarily catching up on everything that has happened.  It also was the first confirmation by both that they were indeed each other’s very first love.  The older wrote to him that he loved him then, loved him since, loved him now, and will love him tomorrow.

It has been good for at least this side of the story and hopefully for the other as well.  I know they had their first phone conversation in over 25 years recently and spoke for quite some time.  It was if they had never been parted and the ease of the conversation was like your favorite pair of jeans, soft and comfortable.  The conversation ended without resolution as with everything there are complications.  However, after 37 years of together and separation and tentative starts and restarts, there is still hope. 

As long as there is hope, this story has not ended.

Namaste,

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” – Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding 

"All great achievements require time." - Maya Angelou

I thought I had something all worked out in my feeble mind to write about today.  It is an important topic, but not one with as uplifting content as I hope this one will be for you.

This past week I had the privilege of participating in graduation celebrations for one of my dearest friends children, who I have come to love and adore very much.  Her eldest just graduated from a very prestigious and tough university.  Her twins, boy and girl (or should I now say young man and young woman), just graduated from high school.  They are remarkable young adults, which is not surprising as she is a remarkable woman.

It also caused me to be the reminiscing dad with thoughts about my sons and how very proud of them I am.  About thoughts of my niece and her accomplishments.  I thought of each of the beautiful women in my sons' lives and how they not only enhance their lives, but mine as well.  I thought about the future for my grandchildren and how with the proper seeds already planted, perhaps they will grow to also help make a difference in the ever changing and sometimes tumultuous world we call home.

At the graduation party, I observed all the family and friends gathered to celebrate not only these three remarkable young adults' achievements, but also to celebrate the journey we were all privileged to take with them.  And, in some small way, maybe even helped them.  I know I have some of the most wonderful friends who have in may cases been surrogate parents to my sons and are as much a part of the family as direct relations.

All of these thought provoking activities caused me to dwell extensively on Ms. Maya Angelou and her passing this last week.  There have been few in our limited and modern history, either man or woman, who so optimized the grace, elegance and beauty of education.  I can read her work and absorb in my brain while the whole time feeling as if she is speaking it to me.  Just me.  Those are powerful words.  Every chance I have gotten to watch her speak online, on television or in a few movies, I always felt as if in the presence of greatness.  She has always made me want to learn and be better than I started.  Better than I was last year.  Better than I was yesterday.

I want to share with you some of her more thought provoking quotes in regards to education, ignorance, change, and just in general, being human.  I encourage you to read her works.  They are remarkable.

"My mother said I must always be intolerant of ignorance but understanding of illiteracy.  That some people, unable to go to school, were more educated and more intelligent than college professors."

"Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends."

"One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest."

"Any book that helps a child to form a habit of reading, to make reading one of his deep and continuing needs, is good for him."

"What is a fear of living? It's being preeminently afraid of dying. It is not doing what you came here to do, out of timidity and spinelessness. The antidote is to take full responsibility for yourself - for the time you take up and the space you occupy. If you don't know what you're here to do, then just do some good."

"The poetry you read has been written for you, each of you - black, white, Hispanic, man, woman, gay, straight."

Thank you Ms. Angelou for teaching me different is ok and education is vital.  I will miss your presence.

Namaste

http://mayaangelou.com/

The Two L's

Love and loneliness.  I have now spent a considerable amount of time single.  Actually, the longest period of my adult life.  It has been six years without so much as flirtation hello.  It has been ten years since I have been on a first date.  Needless to say, I find all of it a bit overwhelming.

I have found that love and loneliness are often tied together.  I know couples who are together that appear to be lonely.  Are they not in love?  Have they forgotten what it was that triggered their love?  Or, have they just changed too much from who they were when the relationship started?  I believe, from experience, they don't know how or they are too afraid to say this isn't working.

Because I have been hurt fairly badly in the past, I had shut myself off from the concept of being in love ever again.  I assumed it would simply never happen and to the point I never even noticed someone that I would normally have been attracted to in the past.  I have had interest shown towards me and I simply ignored it or shut them down.

There have also been self-esteem issues to deal with primarily around physical appearance.  We do not get to stay young and beautiful forever.  One day you wake up and realize you are fifty, struggling with old sports injuries, dealing with chronic disease, and let's face it, lived harder than was probably healthy.  So, you face that reality and you start to rebuild yourself and with the understanding that you are at a certain age.  Accept who you are at this point in your life and as I stated in previous blogs, "Love yourself."

The next part is go after what you want even if you are scared to death (as I am).  I believe the single most profound quote I have ever heard regarding being in love is from Stephen Chbosky, the author of The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  The quote is,

"We accept the love we think we deserve.”  

Wow!  What a powerful statement and I believe it is true.  You must truly respect and love yourself to realize that you absolutely deserve to be loved and loved often and well.  Respect should always be expected and romance should never go out of style.  Giggling should be a requirement and kisses on a schedule.  Dancing for the hell of it is a bonus and perhaps even naked.


I guess part of this blog is me talking to myself.  Telling me to get off my butt and get busy.  Love isn't just going to fall into my lap.  I must be open to it and believe I deserve it to notice those who just might be the one.  Who knows, going to the grocery store could become interesting.


Namaste,


“First best is falling in love. Second best is being in love. Least best is falling out of love. But any of it is better than never having been in love.”  - Maya Angelou 

Live Life in the Moment

This edition is dedicated to a very dear friend of mine who recently and suddenly lost a loved one.  When we spoke, the abruptness combined with the simple finality of it was disturbing for them.  The loved one who passed away had lived a more casual and in some ways more distant and less intimate with others type of life.  This in turn would make the memorializing of their passing less in all ways.  This, while understandable, would still be life questioning when you are suddenly confronted in such a personal way.  What is the purpose?  Is this all there is?  You are here and then you go and that is it?

I say no.  I do sincerely believe you must strive to live in the moment and never dwell on the past or worry over the future.  The past is the past and there is no changing it no matter what Dr. Who does.  The future, again ignore Dr. Who, is not something you will ever know.  The future is illusive and tomorrow never comes.  So focus on this moment in your life.  Love your loved ones.  Make life better for others around you even if it is in small and subtle ways.  Try to cause no harm.

According to the teachings of Buddha, he stated, "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."  It makes perfect sense.  If you are not distracted by your perceived failures or by your worrying about the future, then you will have more emotion, spirit and mind available for those around now, at this moment.

Bruce Lee stated, "The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering."  To my dear friend I say, "You have and continue to do so."  You will be remembered greatly by many and if you depart before me, I will celebrate your life.  I expect the same from you if I depart before you.

Namaste and a good helping of love to my friend.

"Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely." - Buddha 

"Where There is Love, There is Life" - Mahatma Gandhi

I have had the joy the past 4 days of watching my youngest son and his beautiful wife with their first child and my second grandchild.  She had a a bit more difficulty and therefore needs more care and help for awhile and all of us who are parents know that a newborn definitely needs attention.

I came under the guise of lending a hand, but all grandparents know why I really came.  I'm a bit housekeeper, chef, dog attendant, and my favorite part is when I get to hold Jax (Jackson Ryan DeSpain).  You never forget or get too old to enjoy the feeling of holding an actual miracle of nature in your arms next to your chest so you can feel his breathing and heart against you.  You never grow tired of the soft cooing noises he makes as he wiggles and stretches against you.  There is no more wonderful sensation.  And don't babies just smell wonderful, well most of the time anyway.

Watching my son with his partner is also remarkable.  The care and love he is giving her in an obvious and all consuming way can't help but make me smile.  He never complains.  He never is short or grumpy although he is very obviously tired right now.  We spoke about their relationship when we had made a trip to the store and I told him how proud I was of him and the way he treated his truly wonderful other half.  He told me it was easy because she was his best friend.  Wow, the absolute most powerful sentence about being in love one can make.  Without being best friends, you will never truly be lovers.

When I watched my son with his son, again it was wonderful.  He was absolutely enthralled, fascinated and madly loves his child.  A most wonderful event to watch and I believe perhaps he will even understand me a bit more.  When I held Jax to give them a break to eat, shower, dress, etc., after a bit he would start to hover and I would ask if he would like his son back.  He somewhat casually would say yes, and I would laugh inside knowing that he most definitely wanted him back.

This last part sounds sad, but it isn't.  It is just the cycle of life.  I have truly now let go of my son.  He now has his own family and that will be his focus, as it should be.  It does not mean he will not always be one of my dearest and best friends.  Nor does it mean my being enthralled, fascinated and madly love him as well as his two brothers will  ever end.

Thank you to my son and daughter-in-law for allowing me to participate.

Namaste

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

Laozi (also spelled Lao-Tzu; ; Lao-tze) was a philosopher and poet of ancient China. He is best known as the reputed author of the Tao Te Ching^[1] and the founder of philosophical Taoism, but he is also revered as a deity in religious Taoism and traditional Chinese religions. Although a legendary figure, he is usually dated to around the 6th century BC and reckoned a contemporary of Confucius, but some historians contend that he actually lived during the Warring States period of the 5th or 4th century BC.^[2] A central figure in Chinese culture, Laozi is claimed by both the emperors of the Tang dynasty and modern commonfolk of the Li family as a founder of their lineage. Throughout history, Laozi's work has been embraced by various anti-authoritarian movements.

Reading Isn't Just Fundamental......

It is life altering.  To teach a child to read and to give them access to books allows them the freedom to be anyone or any place at any point in time.  Next to love, reading is truly the greatest gift you can give to a child.  It opens their immediate limited world up to all the possibilities of the studies of our world and all the imaginings of others.

Often when I was very young and life was a bit harder than it should have been for a child, books were my escape.  I remember my flashlight under the covers and with the latest Hardy Boys mystery.  Books also helped to mold my curiosity and my desire to see and learn about new countries, new cultures, races and religions.  I have never lost that desire to learn more about others and to escape into a good book.  I read around 100 books per year of all types including novels, biographies, historical, spiritual, etc.

The need to learn more about others also helped shape my beliefs and remove fear of those unknown.  In other words, bigotry and hatred comes from a lack of knowledge and understanding.  Teaching one to read and giving them the freedom to read what they want will do more for the advancement of a civilized world than just about any other single act.  I have been fortunate enough to travel to many wonderful places and see firsthand those cultures, countries and peoples that I read about.  My reading and thus travels led to my realization that the world is not infinite and is actually quite small.

So, where am I going with this?  I know of a wonderful nonprofit out to do something about improving the education in their country by this very vehicle, reading.  But first, before I tell you about Bright Star Mobile Library, I must tell you about the gentleman who has worked tirelessly to form and expand the organization.  A few years ago, Mr. Saeed Malik had returned to his home country of Pakistan after a long career with the United Nations Food Program.  During his career, Mr. Malik lived abroad in the United States, Italy and elsewhere.

I had the pleasure of knowing Mr. Malik through his children, who are like family to me.  Since meeting him, I having always held Mr. Malik in the highest regard.  In fact, having grown up in a less than desirable childhood with a father who simply shouldn't have been a father, I can say this with absolute conviction, if I could have chosen a dad, it would have been Mr. Malik.

Ok, now we have what and the who, let's talk about the how and get something done.  The how is Bright Star Mobile Library ( http://brightstarlibrary.com/default.html ).  There is a very good article on NPR.org about Bright Star and Mr. Malik's desire to make a positive impact on the lives of children in Pakistan.

 http://www.npr.org/2013/02/28/173161452/at-a-pakistani-mobile-library-kids-can-check-out-books-and-hope

I encourage you to read it as his words are far better than mine in explaining why his passion for providing resources to children to allow them to have hope and imagine a world different than what they see around them.  Hope and imagination are the absolute lifeblood for the advancement of society and possibly one day a world where children are not hungry or afraid and books not bullets are the norm.

Now we are down to the, "What can we do?"  Bright Star Mobile Library is funded solely by donations.  Also, to make it easier in the United Stated to donate, you can go to http://give2asia.org/bsml which is a landing page via Give 2 Asia specifically for Bright Star.  There is a donate link you can use.  At the time that I publish this, I will have completed my donation.  I ask that you do the same and that you continue to pass this blog to friends and encourage them to do the same.  Let's prove change can come from one and grow to many and as a "Thank You" to Mr. Malik for his selfless work and to let him know people do care.

Namaste

"Where there is charity and wisdom, there is neither fear nor ignorance." - Francis of Assisi

Yes, it’s a Pity Party!

I know for all of us at times life and its endless ability to try and take away a piece of our spirit can seem overwhelming.  At times I feel almost panicked, maybe a bit sorry for myself, and truth be told, a bit fearful, because of a series of events in the last decade.  Here they at a high level.  They have made me a bit tired and probably a little road worn, but do not take it as a “poor me” list.   It is only to make a point, so please stay with me.

• Life altering illness with multiple ups and downs, multitude of medications and the worst was my perfectly laid out plan for my life went up in smoke

• Episodes of drug toxicity or failure for my illness that has taken a toll physically

• Economic crash in 2008/2009 wiped out most of my life savings and a professional lawsuit associated with a company collapse I was involved with at that time, managed to wipe out the rest of my savings with legal bills and lasted a spirit draining 2.5 years

• Becoming older and trying to compete in a job market that is really not that keen on professionals over the age of 50, especially in business

• Working to find the balance of life/health and work is difficult and frightening, because what happens if I can’t juggle fast enough and it collapses around me

• And, to demonstrate the extraordinarily wry sense of humor that is life, a tax audit in which they decided my numbers were ok, but one segment of expenses needed to be moved to another schedule and btw, that triggered more self-employment tax, changes in AMT and let’s not forget penalties and interest

• Last but certainly not least, the failure of 2 relationships during this period with the aftereffect being one of great uncertainty about trying again, both ended due to their infidelity,  – translation is that I haven’t been on a date in around 6 years

All of this when I see some of the events taking place around the world seems so embarrassingly small.  Yes, we all need someone to listen to us with compassion and understanding.  This does not mean you must provide a solution or even comment.  Just a wonderfully thoughtful and compassionate ear.

There are many types of tragedies in humanity with some being caused by nature, some by the failure of human science or invention and some due purely to the failure of the humanity of individuals.  We can do little about tragedies caused by nature and since humans are most definitely fallible, we will continue to have failures of science and invention.

So let’s focus on the failure of those who seem to lack humanity.  How do we deal with the fact that “mean people suck?” We must do so with compassion, which according to Buddha teachings is a very powerful emotion.  Thich Nhat Hanh, one of the best known and most respected Zen masters in the world today, is a poet, and peace and human rights activist.  He states, “Compassionate listening is to help the other side suffer less. If we realize that other people are the same people as we are, we are no longer angry at them.”  I translate this to mean let go of our anger at those who through their deliberate actions cause you pain, anger and fear.  Try as best you can to treat them with compassion and love.

Thich Nhat Hanh also points out the depth at which compassion can transform mere humans into extraordinary beings.  “With compassion you can die for other people, like the mother who can die for her child. You have the courage to say it because you are not afraid of losing anything, because you know that understanding and love is the foundation of happiness. But if you have fear of losing your status, your position, you will not have the courage to do it.”

So let’s apply some wisdom from others to the type of items around my list of “events” that have occurred in the last decade:

•  Illness:  “Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

• Wealth:  “The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.” – Bob Marley

• Life Balance:  “We humans have lost the wisdom of genuinely resting and relaxing. We worry too much. We don't allow our bodies to heal, and we don't allow our minds and hearts to heal.” Thich Nhat Hanh

• Aging & Employment:  “The biggest change in being older and working in our modern western society is that my bullshit factor has dropped considerably.  That doesn’t always come across well.” – Tom DeSpain

• Love & Betrayal:  “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I know this was a rambler, but I hope it gives you food for thought.  We can’t always control what goes on around us but should try and focus on the now.  The best help to others is compassionate listening.

Namaste

NOTE:  to learn more about Thich Nhat Hanh, please go to plumvillage.org